My daughter has just won herself this month's star prize.

We were at a family baptism yesterday and enduring the service with quiet dignity, all was going well until the main sermon which was, Matthew 25: 1-13, the parable of the well oiled virgins. I had to bite myself as an old shrew hauled herself into the pulpit and read this tale of questionable ethics to us. Things were still OK as the vicar decided then to explain it to us in greater detail. My 9 yr old tugs on my sleeve and asks, 'Why didn't the girls with the lamps just share them or hold hands with the girls without lamps and show them the way.?' I replied that I genuinely didn't know and that I thought it would miss the point of the story. She then answered, 'It wasn't very christian of them was it? Last time we were here we were told about the Good Samaritan and to help everyone, now we're being told not to bother if someone can't look after themselves. God's a bit stupid really isn't he, it's no wonder we don't usually come to church. Anyway, he's done the head wetting bit already, can we go now, it's getting stupid? I replied definitely not ,that it would be rude and anyway, there was only one song to go. She looked at the service sheet for a minute before point ing out the words of the chorus of the song which said "And the trees clapped their hands.......", at which point her eyes met mine and we both cracked up. I recovered first, mouthed something to the missus about taking her to the toilet and left. Unfortunately, we weren't back in time for the end of the service. I wonder if we'd be welcome back next week.

That's a smarty pants you've got there.

Well-oiled virgins? Off to get a bible & read Matthew 25: 1-13

I think they're already spoken for, by the muslims.

Nah. Just dress some old folk in burqas. The muslims wouldn't notice 'til it was too late

chairman bill wrote:Well-oiled virgins? Off to get a bible & read Matthew 25: 1-13

That's what teh Google is for ...

What a great story - all about selfishness, modern reality-TV dating schemes, punishment of the slightest inattentiveness - truly a great moral tale.

What, no fornicating? I won't bother then.

the trees clapped their hands? Is that in the bible? Sounds awfully close to the whole LOTR saga.

chairman bill wrote:What, no fornicating?...

No, but it wouldn't be a real biblical tale unless they were shagging their dads anyway.

At a friends daughters christening recently my 7 year old said ramen every time the sheep were expected to say amen. We noticed that of the three children, they christened the ginger kid last, and somehow the water got knocked out of the font after that.

The funniest bit was when the vicar said "If you have any children, please keep an eye on them because there are things in churches which can hurt them" and I said quietly... "Yeah.. vicars and priests", my children heard and cracked up, the old couple behind did not and I was informed later by my friend that they are his deeply religious aunt and uncle.

Fuck I hate being in churches.

monkeyboy wrote: God's a bit stupid really isn't he

Excellent analysis. "Out of the mouths of children ..."

Weaver wrote:

chairman bill wrote:Well-oiled virgins? Off to get a bible & read Matthew 25: 1-13

That's what teh Google is for ...

What a great story - all about selfishness, modern reality-TV dating schemes, punishment of the slightest inattentiveness - truly a great moral tale.

Indeed. The sermon was about being prepared, because you never know when the end will come and if you're a bit behind on the ass kissing, God might not recognise you.......all apparently beautifully illustrated in some cock hungry young whenches selfishly pushing themselves forwards to ensure they get a good poking instead of their ill prepared competitors.

No room in christianity apparently to guide along the ill prepared. No room in christianity for those incapable of making the right decision through perhaps an learning difficulty whereby they are incapable of calculating just how much oil you might need. No room apparently for people who make mistakes on the the day of judgement.

I particularly liked after having sat through the baptism part of the service and listening to the entire congregation, around 250-300 of them , remake promises to assist the parents of the newly baptised people in bringing up their offspring as christians, there was a 3rd appeal to the congregation for volunteers to help run the sunday school for the kids which currently didn't have enough people to help in fulfilling the promise they had all just made, in their God's house to that same God. That following a sermon on being prepared to meet him. I guess christians don't really care about other people, why should they as long as they're OK, right Matthew?

mattwilson wrote:At a friends daughters christening recently my 7 year old said ramen every time the sheep were expected to say amen. We noticed that of the three children, they christened the ginger kid last, and somehow the water got knocked out of the font after that.

The funniest bit was when the vicar said "If you have any children, please keep an eye on them because there are things in churches which can hurt them" and I said quietly... "Yeah.. vicars and priests", my children heard and cracked up, the old couple behind did not and I was informed later by my friend that they are his deeply religious aunt and uncle.

Fuck I hate being in churches.

My missus has banned me from saying Ramen in church. She says it's disrespectful. I would argue but it's up to me, so I'm told. I can behave or she withdraws my friendly rudeness priveledges until I can show I've "fucking grown up" apparently. Two faced cow though, first thing she did when we met up again outside the church was lambast me for being a bastard and leaving her with the people lustily singing about clapping trees and then starting to clap along to the songs, trying her best not to crack up laughing and having to explain why the two of us had legged it out of the back door. Personally, I think I made the right decision, I don't think I could have taken that bit without pissing myself.
Do you think it's some subtle ploy to weed out the infidels?

babel wrote:the trees clapped their hands? Is that in the bible? Sounds awfully close to the whole LOTR saga.

No, it was from a new book of Hymns. They used them right through the service. Made the whole thing even more enjoyable, new songs, new tunes, everyone trying to sing out loud and fucking up the timing, the tunes, everything. I hope God wasn't out on the piss the night before, sounded fucking dreadful.

I might be able to find the service sheet if I rifle her handbag later.

My last church experience involved some tales of transformers and some gross inaccuracies of self-fulfilling prophecies and the bloodline of Jesus. So much fail I could only facepalm so much.

Great stories.

Years ago my daughter was in a church and loudly said "Who's the guy on the stick?"

Lol.

We were in Mexico so I don't think anyone understood her, but it did lead to a little education and a great deal of laughter later.

How do these people think these revolting sermons support them?

If you're already on board, they make sense because you'll do the mental legwork to make them make sense.

The second last baptism I went to the reading was from John 15 - all about how if you're not a Christian, then God will fuck you up right proper. I pointed out to the priest that that might not have been appropriate at a baptism of a child with one Buddhist parent, but he said it was just on the reading roster and he hadn't really thought about it

Then last month, we went to a baptism for one of our godsons, and the reading was from Exodus 15. My 9 year old daughter loves reading, so she followed along, and read ahead to the part in Exodus 21 where it tells you about how to keep slaves. She treats Christianity as mythology (after a brief period of claimed belief - trying to test us as to whether we'd really let her make up her own mind, I think) so it didn't faze her, but she's smart enough to wonder how the bible is held up as a source of morality. She didn't say anything, but just quietly got my attention, pointed at the passage, and rolled her eyes.

I taught Religious Studies for a year. The entire year was full of kids asking questions like that. Also, me allowing it.

To be fair, lots of fairy stories have major plot issues. However, most stories aren't intended to teach an important moral lesson.

Teshi wrote:I taught Religious Studies for a year. The entire year was full of kids asking questions like that. Also, me allowing it.

To be fair, lots of fairy stories have major plot issues. However, most stories aren't intended to teach an important moral lesson.

WHich begs the question, what are the stories for? The entire sermon was based around the well oiled virgins the other day. We've had the good samaritan previously. One about making sure YOU'RE alright and prepared for meeting your maker regardless of the fate of others and the the other about assisting others even if they're your enemy. I don't think you can get more contradictory messages in stories.

Of course the stories have major plot issues. It's a bit like many of the more modern Grimm tales or fables. Jack and the beanstalk for one. A poor child gets some magic beans which allow him to enter a giant's domain. Jack robs the giant blind over a period of time, finally killing the giant. This is seen as a thigh slapping tale of daring do when really it's a terrible tale of deception, aggravated burglary and murder.

The big difference is that when we go to see Jack in panto , it's not being held up as some divine experience, it's a bit of drama for fun. These biblical tales are use to make points about either making sure you're kissing enough of God's arse or to shape your behaviour in some way. The true horror and immorality is never quite laid out for us. It's there but funnily the emphasis is never quite in balance.

In the well oiled virgin tale, the parralel was drawn between their preparedness for a good rodgering by being well prepared by way of oil stocks and a Xtian's preparedness for meeting their maker by way of ass kissing. The poor un-oiled girls didn't get in to the orgy because by the time they'd gained oil, they weren't recognised. It was suggested in the sermon that unless you keep in with God, come the day, he might not recognise you and you might not get into the great gig in the sky. So, kiss ass or burn for eternity. God is revealed as a forgetful type who can't recognise people made in his own image. Either that or once more, he appears as the spiteful, egotistical maniac of the OT who demands constant worship lest he cast you out into a lake of fire.

Some of the stories might not be meant to give moral lessons but we sure can spot the morals of those teaching with them and they ain't nice.