
I'm sure that's part of it, but she's had a really tough life by anyone's measure, and clinical depression on top of that.
Fear it or accept the inevitability?
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Evolving wrote:Feeling you're no longer relevant. I've been thinking about that several times recently: wondering what it's going to be like when my small one is grown up and doesn't need me any more, or at least not like she does now. Frankly I'm worried about it. It's a bit stupid, because I've always been aware that this is, so to speak, typical mum syndrome: not knowing what to do with yourself when the children are out of the house; and I used to think that it couldn't happen to me, (a) because I'm forewarned and (b) because I have plenty of other things in my life. And yet here I am: my child really is the centre and hub of my life, it feels like being her mum is what I'm supposed to do, what I'm for, and I wonder what I'm going to think I'm for when she's gone.
The_Piper wrote:My mom still complains about being "out of a job" if I politely refuse her help.![]()
I'm sure that's part of it, but she's had a really tough life by anyone's measure, and clinical depression on top of that.
Agrippina wrote:The_Piper wrote:My mom still complains about being "out of a job" if I politely refuse her help.![]()
I'm sure that's part of it, but she's had a really tough life by anyone's measure, and clinical depression on top of that.
I'm sorry to hear that. Everyone's depression and how they deal with it is different, so I can't offer advice, and I don't like to do that anyway even if I see what will help. It helps me when my son comes to talk to me, just chat about the book he's writing, or some new "mod" in the current "kill everyone" game he's playing. And parents do worry about their kids not having a job. I know I worry about my son, but he can't be employed. When he's told he has to wear a suit it's pretty obvious he's at the height of discomfort, and anyway my kids look silly in suits. They're not corporate types who dress to impress.
Talk to her, get her to open up about the hard things she's been through. I know that removing the veil of "a perfect life" about myself helped me get through my last breakdown. When I was insane with chemical imbalances in my brain fighting to kill me, I blurted out what I knew my kids didn't know to two of my sons. They didn't realise just how traumatised I was, and how hiding in a cupboard was the only way I could escape the horror of the PTSD I'd been hiding for over 60 years. Getting it out, speaking of the violence made it clearer to the two younger ones, and now the older ones know too, what the reason for my anger was all about, and why I behaved the way I have when having to face confrontations. Now, having let the demons out, and boy there are some really horrible demons that don't plague my sleep anymore, while it didn't "fix" me, it did make me a nicer person.
Explain to her about your situation, she probably doesn't understand how not having a "job" keeps you fed. If there's one thing I've learnt in the last year, it's that secrets are a lot better if they're told rather than left to fester and eventually cause you to want to just die so that remembering them will stop hurting. I don't know if that makes sense.
The_Piper wrote:[/snip]
I dress for comfort too. I did work the counter at the post office and had to wear a tie, which sucked but wasn't a dealbreaker. My mom has issues with her sisters similar to what you describe with yours. It was a traumatic home life growing up, and lifelong vision/hearing issues that make her life challenging. The upbringing is still shaping her behavior today.She still ruminates on the failed marriage with my father as well.
It doesn't leave you.
I kept it blocked off for over 7 decades, just not talking about it but having it shape the person it made me. I made marriages that perpetuated the behaviour off the people who raised me, until I met Barry, 36 years ago. When I first met him I couldn't understand why he was alone, and by alone, i mean not speaking to anyone most weekends, except for the people at checkouts where he bought his food. He would go home on Friday, and then only interact with people again on Monday. I didn't understand why he was alone because he was such a great guy. Then I discovered his OCD, and I realised what the problem was. I can deal with that because of my own need for order, so it didn't bother me. Meeting him changed my life, and my behaviour. I am definitely a much nicer person because of him. The PTSD was blocked off, and I got on with living taking in my abusive mother, and a sister who is now completely off-her-head insane in a place of safety, threatened by her only two surviving children with abandonment should she do a runner again. I haven't spoken to her in years, simply because I refuse to tolerate the abuse at my age. I've also dropped so-called friends who abused my desire to be liked, because I allowed it. The breakdown earlier this year brought out all the hidden anger, pain, self-destructiveness I've hidden away, and now I can spend the rest of my life just resting and living without a need to get approval and acknowledgement of my right to be alive.I know what you mean about not giving advice, I tend to feel the same way. She's talked to me since I was a teen about countless traumas growing up that are really difficult for me to hear. It doesn't seem to help her much as she's still repeating the stories to me now. She's been dropped by multiple therapists too, but I'm unsure why. Despite all that, she has always been a kind and loving mother. Lucky me!![]()
You are fortunate that she appreciates you, but then she has good material there. You're easy to like. You are a kind and loving person. I wonder why therapy didn't help her, but then on the other hand it didn't help me either, until it did because I broke down so badly I couldn't move I can understand the difficulty of having to hear what her life was about, my kids are more tolerant now too, because they've heard the truth I've kept from them and that I should've taken to a therapist years ago, but II just thought if I made up a story of a happy childhood, they wouldn't carry the pain into the next generation. It was a mistake, I should've let it out long ago, and let them know what it was really like, but I wanted to protect them, didn't want them to know of the violence that made me a frightened rabbit always seeking approval. Now I don't need approval, and it's liberating. I am who I am, and if anyone is offended that I say no, or refuses to speak to them, I don't owe anyone an explanation. It pains me that Barry's whole family have slipped into the rabbit hole of the JWs, especially now his favourite sister died, and the ones who weren't in the cult have been sucked in. It leaves him alone, the patriarch of his really large family but without the respect due to him because he's not one of them and their cult. But he's also the patriarch of my family, and they're all crazy about him. He's their dad, something he's rather proud of if I can judge from hearing him advise the youngest about saving for his retirement yesterday, and listening to what the "boy" is doing to prepare for retirement by the time he's 50. He says he doesn't have to impress anyone with wanting to own great wealth and work until he drops. He only wants enough to not have to work or to not go broke should he live to 80. It was nice hearing them chat about it.You mentioning ptsd, it must be a similar thing that she deals with. She doesn't share your love of technology, it's like she was dropped into 2021 from 1921 in that department. She's still trying to figure out a vcr.
I'm sorry you have to deal with those burdens Mrs. Aggie.![]()
Macdoc wrote:Excellent ...glad you are feeling up![]()
..even I'm a bit future shocked at times and I'm in the business. I also get the hand-me-down phones from kids.
Word of caution....Please make sure you have two or more copies of those family photos and videos on hard drives.
Drives are so cheap these days and any drive over 3 years old should be replaced tho can be used as a redundant storage.
Stick with Toshiba/Hitachi for externals preferably - don't rely on one large drive.
Amazon storage is pretty cheap for photo storage if you want family and friends to be able to access.
https://photos.app.goo.gl/voorENZ9iLvcuH2a8
It has nice editing tools as well and you can control access.
I think the first 5 GB is free.
Macdoc wrote:Aggie you might enjoy this re Diana Rigg
https://www.theguardian.com/stage/2021/ ... gar-wright
This made me think of my sister who died at the age of 62 in 2000. She would've loved being old and seeing her beautiful great-granddaughters, and one great-grandson. She was always full of life, never negative, even when she was battling towards the end she asked for reading material so she could learn something new before she died. I lent her a book about Napoleon, which she read l the way through in her bed at hospice. My youngest used to go with me every day to visit her, and one weekend shortly before she died, she, and the next eldest, and I sat up watching Kelly's Heroes in my bed, while Barry went to sleep outside in the caravan. I can't hear the song, or see a now-older Donald Sutherland without thinking about that night and how she promised me that if there was something after death, she'd find a way to let me know. Now 21 years later, I miss her, but I never got any messages from beyond. It would be really great to have her with me now, in her 80s, still with the hairdos and makeup, beautifully dressed with a glass of wine in one hand, and a cigarette in the other. When we told her to stop smoking she said "I'm going to die of cancer anyway, I enjoy it and I will until I don't anymore." She asked us to bring her cake, she took one bite, saiid it tasted like heaven, but couldn't eat more. She asked for a beer, so Barry took one to her. She only wanted one sip. Dearest Di, so sadly missed now still decades later.
Agrippina wrote:The trouble is that if you store in the cloud you also need to have a copy on your computer. I tried that but then my little Mac is so small and storage inhibited that I can only keep my music and book collection on it. I could use DropBox too, but that also wants a copy on the computer. I'll have a chat with my computer geek son, he'll find a solution.
Macdoc wrote:Glad you liked it. Maybe you should go back to Lady Olenna![]()
Two of these should work
http://www.walsoftcomputers.com/hdd-wdb ... k-eesn.asp
One to be connected all the time the other to be hidden. Start with 1 if two are too much. 899r not bad
You might find for less online but stick with Toshiba or WD ..skip Seagate
Do photos first as they take up little space compared to videos
Amazon photos does not require a copy of on your machine but might require an Amazon Prime subscription.
Hermit wrote:Agrippina wrote:The trouble is that if you store in the cloud you also need to have a copy on your computer. I tried that but then my little Mac is so small and storage inhibited that I can only keep my music and book collection on it. I could use DropBox too, but that also wants a copy on the computer. I'll have a chat with my computer geek son, he'll find a solution.
You don't need much storage in the computer. External drives connected via USB will do the job. Something like Macdoc suggested, though 2 or 4 terabytes might be a better size. They are quite cheap. I bought a 4TB Western Digital drive for A$150 a few years ago, and an 8TB drive for A$250 a little later to back my 12TB NAS to. (The NAS is terribly underutilised, containing just 2TB worth of files at the moment, but I like the elbow room.) What I like about computer equipment is that it keeps getting cheaper and better all the time. My first hard drive could store 70 megabytes and cost me 700 bucks. Two years later I replaced it with a 320 megabyte drive which set me back $230. Then came a couple of gigabyte sized disks. Now we are well into terabyte territory.
Prices have plateaued for a few months now due to the chip shortage, but this will change. Chip manufacturers are spending many billions of dollars ramping up their production capacities. Shop around. Online stores are quite competitive, so prices are usually very similar, but every now and again one of them will have a special offer on what you need. Ebay makes for a good start. There is no risk if you stick to vendors who have sold through that site for a number of years and an approval rating of 98.5% or above.
Animavore wrote:In my life I've had quite a few people die on me on the last couple of years and I feel kind of ashamed of how quickly I get over it. Pretty much once they're in the hole that's the event over for me. Maybe just none of them were close enough to me.
jamest wrote:What is there to fear about death? It's like going to sleep and not waking up.
Get busy living, or get busy dying.
Positively embrace that mantra, whatever stage of the journey you are on, and death will not haunt you, ever.
romansh wrote:Back in the eighties I have memories of driving across the veld between Joey's and Pretoria.
I don't fear death or worry about it, but I am not looking forward the patch of time immediately before death.
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