Death

Fear it or accept the inevitability?

Anything that doesn't fit anywhere else.

Moderators: kiore, The_Metatron, Blip

Death

#1  Postby Agrippina » Sep 15, 2021 6:20 am

With Covid taking members of our families, how do other people feel about their own deaths.

I can't talk about this with my kids - they're in denial. To them I'm still 45 in their minds, rushing around on a pair of high heels I've been wearing all day, getting the evening meal going before settling down with a text book and notepad to work on a university assignment. They still love the debates we used to have around the dining room table, solving the world problems, them ranging in age from 15 to 20, my mom watching her soap opera in her bedroom and Barry, my DH, reading his paper in front of the tv.

That's how they see us. Now, having had covid, recovered, fully vaccinated, both of us are approaching 80, him next week, me, never mind, but getting there, the after-effects, and losing his sister, have made us aware of our approaching end-of-life, and we're having the necessary talks. There are things that need to be put in place for the kids to be able to deal with executors, and assets to be shared out or sold, some they want, others they don't. I've given my jewellery to a daughter-in-law's safe-keeping for the grandchildren, and I'm getting assessors in to value and to buy whatever heirlooms the kids definitely don't want.

Is this macabre? Should I just go on knowing it's coming but in denial until I leave a mess behind for other people to sort out, or does it help to do it for them? Am I being morbid about accepting that it's coming sooner rather than later, and preparing myself for the shock and pain I'll go through if he should go before I do, while also telling him that he should go on and let the son who lives with us deal with his finances, and care the way I do, if I go first.

What do other people think? Should I try to enjoy what's left, despite being in too much pain to really "enjoy" even a trip to the movies, or lunch in a public place? Is that covid lockdown that's made me agoraphobic and wanting to just be left in peace to do what I want, when I want. God, I can't imagine being 95 and still able to work the way HM can do it, especially after losing her husband.

I must add that I'm experiencing some long-covid symptoms, so I'm in a whole lot of pain, and really battling with simple tasks, like dressing myself, and washing my feet. So it's not a whole lot of fun anymore.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#2  Postby UncertainSloth » Sep 15, 2021 6:47 am

i'd love to reply more but i'm in a terrible mental place at the moment - all i can say is make the most of the time you have in whatever way floats your boat and that your body allows...but make sure necessary logistics are in place, which it sounds as if you are doing, as it's a rabbit warren here and i can't imagine it's much different there...we were caught out with both as it all happened very suddenly in the end and i'm paying for it now
"All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given us.” Tolkein
User avatar
UncertainSloth
 
Posts: 3565
Age: 48
Male

United Kingdom (uk)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#3  Postby Spearthrower » Sep 15, 2021 7:38 am

If I could have perfect health, I'd happily live for ever. As I can't, I am pretty sure that I will eventually come to see it as something of a relief: I'm not that far away from that feeling already!

Getting all your ducks in a row is mostly about getting peace of mind and knowing that your grand exit will be smooth and simple for those left behind; let them focus on grieving rather than sorting out legal, burial etc. issues.

I think it's just a simple, basic reality we all have to face at some point, and it's generally better to get ahead of it and know how you feel about it before you're forced to encounter it. I don't think that's morbid: I think it's entirely rational.

But just as it's rational to be mentally and emotionally prepared for that inevitability, I think it's also worth devoting the same degree of consideration to any contemporary feelings: they too will pass. Even if it's a shitty slog today, who knows where you'll be in 6 months, and I don't think it's at all unhealthy or naive to cultivate some optimism in that regard - our feelings affect outcomes, so positivity, aspirations, and taking the time to enjoy what we have is also wholly worthy of our efforts.
I'm not an atheist; I just don't believe in gods :- that which I don't belong to isn't a group!
Religion: Mass Stockholm Syndrome

Learn Stuff. Stuff good. https://www.coursera.org/
User avatar
Spearthrower
 
Posts: 28870
Age: 45
Male

Country: Thailand
Print view this post

Re: Death

#4  Postby Agrippina » Sep 15, 2021 10:23 am

UncertainSloth wrote:i'd love to reply more but i'm in a terrible mental place at the moment - all i can say is make the most of the time you have in whatever way floats your boat and that your body allows...but make sure necessary logistics are in place, which it sounds as if you are doing, as it's a rabbit warren here and i can't imagine it's much different there...we were caught out with both as it all happened very suddenly in the end and i'm paying for it now


I completely understand. Sending you a big hug. We need each other right now. Normally I keep my private life private but I'm overwhelmed with emotion and need a safe place to talk about it where I won't be judged. I really didn't imagine the end period of my life would be so full of danger, and fear. And I have a granddaughter, almost three who doesn't know me, didn't get the chance to bond with me, only adding to the pain. I can understand the mental pain. I can't say I feel it because everyone's experience is their own. Just try to stay safe and try to come out at the other end.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#5  Postby Agrippina » Sep 15, 2021 10:36 am

Spearthrower wrote:If I could have perfect health, I'd happily live for ever. As I can't, I am pretty sure that I will eventually come to see it as something of a relief: I'm not that far away from that feeling already!

I was invited to an online discussion on the idea of longevity, but being my practical self, while it sounds wonderful to think of living long enough to see your great-great-grandkids. The trouble is money, and resources. If we continue to breed in the numbers we do, and old people aren't making way for the younger ones, resources will eventually run out. Also money. We made ample provision for 15 years of retirement. We've now reached more than 20 years, I'm 23 years into retirement. My pension wouldn't be enough to support me for another 50 years should science be able to make it so. I understand and accept that there are reasons we don't live longer than we do. I'm content with that.

Getting all your ducks in a row is mostly about getting peace of mind and knowing that your grand exit will be smooth and simple for those left behind; let them focus on grieving rather than sorting out legal, burial etc. issues.

I think it's just a simple, basic reality we all have to face at some point, and it's generally better to get ahead of it and know how you feel about it before you're forced to encounter it. I don't think that's morbid: I think it's entirely rational.


Yes, that was my thinking. When we moved back to the city, it was because one of the kids literally needed a roof. His dad's "wife" set up his will in such a way that she would be allowed access to the money to buy herself a residence, which will eventually go to my kids on her death. However, there's a history of extreme longevity in her family, so we couldn't leave him sleeping on a couch at one of his brothers' homes until then. Almost four years later she's still going strong, while he needed care when he had covid, and luckily I was there to provide it, even while I was infected too, but vaccinated, so not as sick as he was.

But just as it's rational to be mentally and emotionally prepared for that inevitability, I think it's also worth devoting the same degree of consideration to any contemporary feelings: they too will pass. Even if it's a shitty slog today, who knows where you'll be in 6 months, and I don't think it's at all unhealthy or naive to cultivate some optimism in that regard - our feelings affect outcomes, so positivity, aspirations, and taking the time to enjoy what we have is also wholly worthy of our efforts.


Yes, now we're waiting for the grandkids to get vaccinated. I can't bring them here because our house isn't sanitary to the point their schools are, and is possibly the reason we got infected. Hopefully by the time my next birthday rolls around it will be different, Also I'm thinking of spending some money due to us at the end of the year, to do another little road trip on our own. So while it's on my mind that Barry's needing geriatric care now, he can still drive, and we'll go without a destination, just head in a direction and see where it takes us. At least I am content now that all my stuff is easily accessible and that there's enough money set aside for two cremations when the time comes so none of the kids has to spend any of their own. So while it's being practical, it's not negative, just accepting that it's coming sometime in the next 20 years. :lol:
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#6  Postby The_Metatron » Sep 15, 2021 3:09 pm

On the sanitary house thing, I doubt that's the problem.

You walked through a cloud of airborne particles expelled by someone else.

I think that's a source of unnecessary stress for you.
I AM Skepdickus!

Check out Hack's blog, too. He writes good.
User avatar
The_Metatron
Moderator
 
Name: Jesse
Posts: 21247
Age: 58
Male

Country: United States
United States (us)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#7  Postby The_Metatron » Sep 15, 2021 3:13 pm

We've made the same preparations. The time to have those conversations is at the table, not when everyone's mind is numb after a death.
I AM Skepdickus!

Check out Hack's blog, too. He writes good.
User avatar
The_Metatron
Moderator
 
Name: Jesse
Posts: 21247
Age: 58
Male

Country: United States
United States (us)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#8  Postby Spearthrower » Sep 15, 2021 4:14 pm

Agrippina wrote:
I was invited to an online discussion on the idea of longevity, but being my practical self, while it sounds wonderful to think of living long enough to see your great-great-grandkids. The trouble is money, and resources. If we continue to breed in the numbers we do, and old people aren't making way for the younger ones, resources will eventually run out. Also money. We made ample provision for 15 years of retirement. We've now reached more than 20 years, I'm 23 years into retirement. My pension wouldn't be enough to support me for another 50 years should science be able to make it so. I understand and accept that there are reasons we don't live longer than we do. I'm content with that.


There absolutely are some daunting obstacles we're going to need to navigate in a future with increased longevity, but it's not exactly as if we've aced our traditional, conventional 3 score years and 10 lives anyway! What a fucking mess we've made! :lol:

I fully expect society to change dramatically over the coming decades, automation and machine learning will turn our conventional economies upside down, medical knowledge is going to keep minimizing our chances of dying early while extending our lifespan, and we could well see the first stellar diaspora of humanity.

Who knows what effect all this will bring - we're already nearly completely unrecognizable as a society to our grandparents or great-grandparents, and technology seems to still be accelerating these changes.

I'd love to be able to watch all this unfold, even if it meant being a brain in a vat.


However, there's a history of extreme longevity in her family, so we couldn't leave him sleeping on a couch at one of his brothers' homes until then.


Well, best not to burn any bridges now then, as you might outlive all of us! :grin:


Yes, now we're waiting for the grandkids to get vaccinated. I can't bring them here because our house isn't sanitary to the point their schools are, and is possibly the reason we got infected.


That is an ironic consequence of our efforts to minimize the spread of covid: isolated kids are just not building up normal immunities - young infant admission to hospitals for cases of severe RSV's is a particularly worrying one.


Hopefully by the time my next birthday rolls around it will be different, Also I'm thinking of spending some money due to us at the end of the year, to do another little road trip on our own.


Tis indeed a bloody good benefit of living in S. Africa - incredible landscapes and in-your-face nature just a drive away! I'd enjoy that too! :cheers:
I'm not an atheist; I just don't believe in gods :- that which I don't belong to isn't a group!
Religion: Mass Stockholm Syndrome

Learn Stuff. Stuff good. https://www.coursera.org/
User avatar
Spearthrower
 
Posts: 28870
Age: 45
Male

Country: Thailand
Print view this post

Re: Death

#9  Postby Agrippina » Sep 16, 2021 5:17 am

The_Metatron wrote:On the sanitary house thing, I doubt that's the problem.

You walked through a cloud of airborne particles expelled by someone else.

I think that's a source of unnecessary stress for you.


I agree but I go with what the parents say. So we wait.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#10  Postby Agrippina » Sep 16, 2021 5:22 am

Spearthrower wrote:

...Tis indeed a bloody good benefit of living in S. Africa - incredible landscapes and in-your-face nature just a drive away! I'd enjoy that too! :cheers:


Indeed. We can travel for two hours so we're outside the combined area of Johannesburg and Pretoria, which are virtually one bit metropolis now, to the Magaliesberg.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#11  Postby romansh » Sep 16, 2021 5:23 pm

Back in the eighties I have memories of driving across the veld between Joey's and Pretoria.

I don't fear death or worry about it, but I am not looking forward the patch of time immediately before death.
"That's right!" shouted Vroomfondel, "we demand rigidly defined areas of doubt and uncertainty!"
User avatar
romansh
 
Posts: 2808

Country: BC Can (in the woods)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#12  Postby Spearthrower » Sep 16, 2021 5:41 pm

romansh wrote:
I don't fear death or worry about it, but I am not looking forward the patch of time immediately before death.



Its the bit after which is terminally interminable.
I'm not an atheist; I just don't believe in gods :- that which I don't belong to isn't a group!
Religion: Mass Stockholm Syndrome

Learn Stuff. Stuff good. https://www.coursera.org/
User avatar
Spearthrower
 
Posts: 28870
Age: 45
Male

Country: Thailand
Print view this post

Re: Death

#13  Postby Blackadder » Sep 17, 2021 6:18 am

Agrippina wrote:
What do other people think? Should I try to enjoy what's left, despite being in too much pain to really "enjoy" even a trip to the movies, or lunch in a public place? Is that covid lockdown that's made me agoraphobic and wanting to just be left in peace to do what I want, when I want.


Aggi, you should do exactly what your body and mind wants to do. if that's going out, then go out. If it's staying quietly at home, then do that. And it doesn't have to be always one or the other. Go with how you feel each day. After a long life, you've earned the right to live how you wish in your twilight years.

As for preparations, it's not macabre to want to leave things in order for your loved ones. Next week I will be attending the funeral of one of my closest friends, same age as me (60), who was diagnosed a year ago with stage 4 cancer. he knew it was going to kill him, just not how long it would take. In the end, the treatment kept him alive for a year, during which he made preparations for his departure. His wife is, of course, inconsolable in her grief. But she doesn't have to also cope with a financial or legal mess.

Lots of love coming at you Aggi. Stay strong.
That credulity should be gross in proportion to the ignorance of the mind that it enslaves, is in strict consistency with the principle of human nature. - Percy Bysshe Shelley
User avatar
Blackadder
RS Donator
 
Posts: 3804
Male

United Kingdom (uk)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#14  Postby Agrippina » Sep 17, 2021 6:40 am

romansh wrote:Back in the eighties I have memories of driving across the veld between Joey's and Pretoria.


Not much veld left now. It's growing into one big city.

I don't fear death or worry about it, but I am not looking forward the patch of time immediately before death.


True. I've been doing a little research, and my conclusion is that certainly for him, the process has begun. He eats only small amounts of food, and although he can still drive to play bowls, and participate, the enthusiasm of even a year ago when he was whining about beiing bored, isn't there anymore. He spends most of his day sitting on his bed, reading the paper, playing games on his iPad while watching CNN and at night some old British shows. He doesn't read anymore where he used to be keen reader, just can't remember the stories. He's content with a little company but can't sit upright at the table through a dinner anymore. He prefers his food brought to the bedroom. He tires very easily, can't help with any housework, where he used to wash dishes, do some chores, about the only thing he still does is to separate the recycling. I try to get him outside at least once in the days when he's not playing bowls, with great difficulty. I think we're looking at five years at the most.

For me, reading is a problem. I fall asleep if I relax with a book, but I play computer games instead, to excite my brain into action. Otherwise, apart from the constant pain, I'm fine.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#15  Postby Agrippina » Sep 17, 2021 6:51 am

Blackadder wrote:
Agrippina wrote:
What do other people think? Should I try to enjoy what's left, despite being in too much pain to really "enjoy" even a trip to the movies, or lunch in a public place? Is that covid lockdown that's made me agoraphobic and wanting to just be left in peace to do what I want, when I want.


Aggi, you should do exactly what your body and mind wants to do. if that's going out, then go out. If it's staying quietly at home, then do that. And it doesn't have to be always one or the other. Go with how you feel each day. After a long life, you've earned the right to live how you wish in your twilight years.

As for preparations, it's not macabre to want to leave things in order for your loved ones. Next week I will be attending the funeral of one of my closest friends, same age as me (60), who was diagnosed a year ago with stage 4 cancer. he knew it was going to kill him, just not how long it would take. In the end, the treatment kept him alive for a year, during which he made preparations for his departure. His wife is, of course, inconsolable in her grief. But she doesn't have to also cope with a financial or legal mess.

Lots of love coming at you Aggi. Stay strong.


Thank you Blackadder. You're very kind.

Yes, as I said, above, I play games during the day - take two hour stretches on my bed with some jellies at my side, and one or all three dogs keeping me company. My son bought me a PC laptop as the MacBook couldn't handle the long hours of play, and I treat myself to new ones as they come up on special deals on Steam. I've been doing the house flipping renovation game for a while now, and next month they're introducing luxury houses and castles, so that should be fun. I enjoy renovating, not interested much in redoing this one anymore, but it's fun to plan gardens and paint different styles and colours then make lots of money. I could've done decorating as a career if I'd known how much I enjoy doing it digitally, but then I would've had to deal with real life humans which I hate.

My kids are being lovely, getting on with their lives and sharing only the good news with me. We have a 45 year old today, so there will be big breakfast and cake. Something different yet not too much for me to handle. I might even get my old man to schlep me to the shops to buy the birthday boy some lunch he'll enjoy.

I remember my mother in her last years, all the negativity and sadness. I don't want to be remembered that way. I've kept a Covid journal of our lives for the kids to read and my life story for their pleasure. Otherwise I don't even argue with theists anymore.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#16  Postby Agrippina » Oct 01, 2021 11:45 am

I've just spent a fantastic weekend filled with love, sadness, some realisations, and having come to accept the inevitability of the quiet life that lies ahead.

I completely understand that this isn't a topic most people want to discuss, for various reasons, and depression and suicide ideation, are two big reasons why we don't discuss death, we just let it happen, or try to prevent it if it seems like someone we dearly love is contemplating taking control of their own destiny. There's no denying that death is sad. Hell, I have pieces of my heart chipped off from the loss of people and animals who I truly loved, at some time in my life in the past, or recently. So I get the reluctance to discuss it.

However, this past weekend had made it obvious to me, that the hardest farewell still lies before me, and while I understand that I can't say I won't go first, the odds that I will, have become obvious to me, especially over the last week. This weekend we said "goodbye" to one of our favourite places in South Africa, realising that not only won't we go there again, but we're also not going to see the sea or walk on a beach again.

Last year in March, the WHO declared a world-wide pandemic that would probably kill millions, and it did, my favourite sister-in-law included in those numbers. She was vaccinated, and didn't know to take care, so she didn't and 15 months into the pandemic, having had one vaccination shot, she died of Covid-19. She was sick for weeks before, actually almost the 40 days we had to wait between shots, and then having had it, another 15 days added. When she first became ill, there was positivity within her immediate family, that she would recover. She rallied, seemed better, then got worse, and worse, and finally hospitalised, there was a wave of infections, and a shortage of ventilators meant that hers had to go a younger person who was more likely to survive, so she died.

We were prepared, had been for two weeks, so it didn't come as a shock, but it did, and now my husband is the oldest surviving member of his family. He turned 80 on Friday.

This is about my husband, Barry. At the beginning of June, after a year and a half, almost, of taking precautions, staying home, and then when he went back to playing bowls, keeping socially distant, Covid came to us two weeks after our first vaccination.

My son who lives with us , wasn't vaccinated, so he was terribly ill, but at 45 and healthy, he recovered with the help of medication, but Barry became really sick. I wasn't too bad, just a slight cough and weakness, that now necessitates me having to use a walking stick, because I've lost my sense of balance, and my eyesight and hearing are worsening. There's help for the eyes, but I hate wearing those glasses, they annoy me. There's help for my hearing, but that involves strangers poking and prodding and making me do tests, and that annoys me too. (I'm easily annoyed). All I really want to do is to sit on my bed which is big and comfortable, and play computer games. And why shouldn't I? Teenagers do it, and their parents complain. Any complaints are likely to be met with "fuck off, I've worked all my life, and now I'm being a teenager."

I joke but really, that's what I want. I'll do the work that needs doing in the house because cleaners annoy me too. FaceTime and Zoom calls are lovely because they don't involve dressing up and making food, and sitting on uncomfortable chairs, making small talk, when I can't wait for them to go home. I like going out with people I care about, and who are kind to me, and don't care that I'm fat and wear comfortable clothes, or lecture me about my eating habits. Next week, one of these people, is coming to fetch us to their house for the day, and I'm excited about that, because that's exactly what they do. They don't make comments about how I talk too much, or how "you need to...." which is what most "friends" do. My kids know better because now I've learnt to tell them to mind their own goddamned business, I'm not their child, and if I want cereal and yoghurt for supper, that's what I'll eat. My friends know this, they've taken us places before when we could still take a day of sightseeing and eating out, and staying up late at night. Now we're looking forward to our visit with them next week, lovely people who don't expect us to be anything but ourselves. I wish everyone we know would get this like this particular couple do. I have a nephew and his wife who do this as well, and I really appreciate it when they ask to visit, and bring food with them - they know I'm beyond organising a lunch party. So we're going out to visit some people we've learnt to love for the really kind, and generous people they are.

Now getting back to my husband. I'm beginning to recognise the signs: he sat in the car for the four hours it took us to get to the venue, in front with my son, chatting with him, before we stopped for a long breakfast, and then afterwards to the park. No pressure, he just enjoyed the scenery, something you can't do when you're the driver. Then on arrival at the camp, he needed help, where before he was able to make choices, to take control of unpacking and settling in, he simply couldn't. He sat again, in the front seat looking out at the scenery, enjoying the wildlife, and the lunch break, but I had to make a lunch choice for him. He can't do it himself. He can choose if he's given two options, but faced with a menu, no. He just says he can't decide, and he really can't, too much information is confusing. He's also deaf, more than I am, so he becomes angry because he can't understand what the waiters are trying to tell him, I interpret and explain to the waiter that he's deaf. He needs to be taken to where the bathroom is, he got lost in the campsite, trying to find his way back.

That night, after dinner, again having to have it explained to him that the beer he wanted was a "draught" but the bottled kind, not the keg draught kind. He couldn't understand that. For breakfast the next morning again, I had to make choices for him.

The long drive home saw him collapsing into bed and a long night of sleep, but still exhausted the next day, and it's taken him all of this week to recover. He has a routine that helps him get through the day. With being deaf, he has the tv up loud, which is fine, I just close the door so it doesn't bother me. He won't sit in his recliner anymore, prefers his bed. He takes his meals there with him, doesn't read books anymore, just plays the same card game while he watches, Briitbox at night. But he can't remember how to find the channels on the Apple TV device, sometimes, then at others, now he has only our satellite service and Apple to watch, it's less confusing. He's forgotten that Netflix is on there as well, so I'm leaving him until he does remember.

This kind, previously sharp-witted, mathematically capable, easily taught man, is battling to remember how to call up the keypad on his iPad. He doesn't remember how to make a post on Facebook so he didn't, and then forgot to ask me, to thank people for all his birthday greetings. He needs regular checkups with various specialists but now just says "I'll go, remind me", and then forgets, and when I ask him for a date to go, he says he "has to play bowls". He tells me about how irritated people become with him at bowls and rather than give it up with some dignity intact, he gets angry, and shouts at people playing in his team. He corrects people thinking he's still the coach, and I sense that it won't be long before they, perhaps a little hurtfully have to tell him he can't play anymore. This is what he lives for. I've insisted he can't drive to venues he doesn't know and that he can only play in league games if he goes with someone else, but this means coming home in the dark, which is hard with his deteriorating eyesight.

I guess I need to talk about this because no one wants to talk to me about how hard it is to face, but also that I'm aware of the inevitability of old age, and the after effects of covid, shortening what time is left to him, and that I actually, probably, am going to have to live on without him.

My kids are great. They're kind people who one will see to it that he gets out and doesn't need to take himself to strange places, now I can't drive anymore, another who'll drive across the city to fetch my camera to recover my lost photos, another who brings technical help as it's needed, and the one who lives with us, who checks on his daily needs, that he eats, and will take him to strange shops he doesn't know but wants to visit when I'm not up to going out again. So we're fine with this, but it's reached the point where we need to divest ourselves of the things that we wanted but really don't need anymore, and that the kids don't want, and having to convince him that he should donate his formal clothes to a charity, that perhaps the stress of playing competitively isn't something he should have to deal with now. Previously he was one of a club of old people, he was the youngest, then one of "middle" age in his early 70s, but now he's one of the oldest members, and he's cantankerous, and annoying to people who are 30-something and seeking national recognition as bowlers and don't want him on their teams.

This is what I need to get off my chest, to talk about how we don't think about what will happen when our lives are running out, and how all the stuff we own is actually worthless even though we regularly replaced interior decor, or bought new dinner services, or new cars, or changed wardrobes for different seasons..They really all mean nothing when the world is becoming an unfamiliar place, where an old guy can't talk about "ladies' team" anymore and doesn't get that calling an 18 year old woman a "girl" is an insult, and that there are more than two genders just doesn't compute, so he says inappropriate words which offend the woke people, while he doesn't have a clue what "woke" means (I don't either I just don't care how people identify, it's none of my business). But he'll still make comments that are now highly offensive and then become confused when you try to explain the offensiveness of what he saiid. This is the truth of old age. When insurance companies tell you about insuring against living too long, you eventually reach a point where you realise, you have indeed "lived too long", and that you are no longer relevant, except to the person who used to go skinny-dipping with you, spent weekends drinking wine, and barely leaving the bedroom, and who is now seeing you at your most vulnerable, and you realise it's really almost over.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#17  Postby Evolving » Oct 01, 2021 1:33 pm

That was a moving read, Aggie.

It's tough on you. I'm very glad you have your friends.
How extremely stupid not to have thought of that - T.H. Huxley
User avatar
Evolving
 
Name: Serafina Pekkala
Posts: 12016
Female

Country: Luxembourg
Luxembourg (lu)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#18  Postby mindhack » Oct 01, 2021 5:43 pm

Thank you for sharing. I feel for you.
(Ignorance --> Mystery) < (Knowledge --> Awe)
mindhack
 
Name: Van Amerongen
Posts: 2673
Male

Country: Zuid-Holland
Netherlands (nl)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#19  Postby The_Piper » Oct 02, 2021 12:57 am

It reminds me of my dad, he's 86 and has been on his last leg for 7 or 8 years, but still hangs on and is pretty sharp. But he doesn't get out of the car on errands and stuff. There's a hospital bed in the living room that takes the place of his couch. I think I've said this before, but he told me that if he died today he would be satisfied with his life, which certainly helped me a real lot. It will be devastating to lose my parents though. He remarried and his wife is in her mid-70's. She's sharp too and still able to help take care of him, thank goodness. He'd be at a nursing home otherwise.
I hope the rest of the way is pleasurable for you at times, as much as is possible. :hugs:
"There are two ways to view the stars; as they really are, and as we might wish them to be." - Carl Sagan
"If an argument lasts more than five minutes, both parties are wrong" unknown
Self Taken Pictures of Wildlife
User avatar
The_Piper
 
Name: Fletch F. Fletch
Posts: 29026
Age: 47
Male

Country: Chainsaw Country
United States (us)
Print view this post

Re: Death

#20  Postby Agrippina » Oct 02, 2021 6:13 am

Evolving wrote:That was a moving read, Aggie.

It's tough on you. I'm very glad you have your friends.


I value these people more than they know. Without the internet I wouldn't have met them and my old age would've been a little empty without them Wonderful, kind, generous, undemanding people, a little too old to be my children, but that's how being with them feels for me. I'm completely comfortable and myself.
A mind without instruction can no more bear fruit than can a field, however fertile, without cultivation. - Marcus Tullius Cicero (106 BCE - 43 BCE)
User avatar
Agrippina
THREAD STARTER
 
Posts: 36911
Female

Country: South Africa
South Africa (za)
Print view this post

Next

Return to General Discussion

Who is online

Users viewing this topic: No registered users and 1 guest