How to get people to respect you

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Re: How to get people to respect you

#41  Postby NineOneFour » Jan 14, 2012 4:00 am

JoeB wrote:
MoonLit wrote:[...]
But that might just be my bias talking. I was in a situation where the word "respect" got thrown around so fucking much it lost any meaning.

It's something I do notice nowadays, when there's American shows on discovery channel (i dunno, swamp loggers or whatever) the word respect flies around a lot. For example: "stop disrespecting me man!", "You need to show some respect!", etc. etc. Of course these are also show which revolve more around broad-necked men fighting rather than what the show's title states what it's about.
In our culture the word respect is hardly ever used and when it's used it's mostly like "We should be respectful to the elderly", or such.

[edit] Could it be that conservatives (or authoritarians) place more emphasise on the importance of respect than liberals? After all, over here in the Netherlands respect for authority (for example) is somewhat 'mehh-ish', while in the USA it seems far more prominent.


Authoritarians do. I hesitate to entirely conflate conservatives with authoritarians. There are conservatives that aren't authoritarians and authoritarians who aren't conservatives.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#42  Postby NineOneFour » Jan 14, 2012 4:01 am

johnbrandt wrote:Welcome to the real world.

"Respect isn't given to you for free, it's earned"...and while that's one of the oldest cliches in the book, it's absolutely true. Too many people think they should just automatically "be respected" when they walk in the door.

I love that thing a lot of people say "You need to give me respect!"...really. Why? What have you done to deserve it?

It doesn't matter if you are female, hispanic, whatever...you have to earn respect...no one gives it to you automatically, despite what some social engineers would have people believe. You say you are still a student...so I would assume you are still pretty new at this place where you want to be respected. Simple old "Time" is the best way to get respect...combined with your attitude and the persona that people around you see, also adding decisions you make at work, school, where ever, that give people an impression of what you are like as a person.

Or just carry a gun. :thumbup:
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#43  Postby MoonLit » Jan 14, 2012 5:24 am

NineOneFour wrote:
JoeB wrote:
MoonLit wrote:[...]
But that might just be my bias talking. I was in a situation where the word "respect" got thrown around so fucking much it lost any meaning.

It's something I do notice nowadays, when there's American shows on discovery channel (i dunno, swamp loggers or whatever) the word respect flies around a lot. For example: "stop disrespecting me man!", "You need to show some respect!", etc. etc. Of course these are also show which revolve more around broad-necked men fighting rather than what the show's title states what it's about.
In our culture the word respect is hardly ever used and when it's used it's mostly like "We should be respectful to the elderly", or such.


Yep, just like that. Makes me shudder when someone says "I deserve respect!", especially more so when they do it in an all out angry tone.

[edit] Could it be that conservatives (or authoritarians) place more emphasise on the importance of respect than liberals? After all, over here in the Netherlands respect for authority (for example) is somewhat 'mehh-ish', while in the USA it seems far more prominent.


Authoritarians do. I hesitate to entirely conflate conservatives with authoritarians. There are conservatives that aren't authoritarians and authoritarians who aren't conservatives.[/quote]

Agreed.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#44  Postby Globe » Jan 14, 2012 10:11 am

inkaStepa wrote:I'm a 5 ft 110 lb hispanic female. I'm just a student but I do make an effort to look professional. But, people still don't seem to take me seriously. I always find myself being talked down to or lectured. So my question is what makes people respect other people? Is it power and societal positions? What can I do to make myself seem more solid? Thanks.

You are at a disadvantage at several levels here.
Despite the fact that most advice given in this thread is good and useful.

Let's start from the top.
5 ft
To put it crudely.... you are short.
Which makes it easier, also psychologically, for people to simply not look at you.
And you are at a disadvantage when it comes to eye contact.
THEY have to look down, and YOU have to look up. That have subconscious implications on both sides.

Hispanic
You belong to a minority. And let's face it. Hispanics are traditionally seen as socially inferior.
They are maids, gardeners.... Illegal immigrants.
Another disadvantage.

Female
That alone would put you in a disadvantage professionally.
Never mind the idea that there is equality between genders. It's something that look good on paper, but ONLY on paper.
The real world is somewhat different.

Student
Well.... you are a STUDENT.
What the heck do you know?
Doesn't matter that you are more knowledgeable than a seasoned professional. You are a student, and they don't have to listen until you have a diploma. And even then there is a pecking order of seniority.

What can you do about this?
Because it is a result of a number of factors, and you'll have to fight several preconceptions.

1. Be PROFESSIONAL. At all times. Chatter is something that takes place during breaks.
Not saying that you should be a stiff stickler, but when you work, you work. That alone will earn you some respect.
Of course there should be room for a casual conversation, but make sure that, unless someone comes to you in distress, the time is "right" for that with the person in question. And keep it short.

2. Don't giggle. Sounds strange, but don't. If something is funny... laugh. Don't giggle. Giggling is for girls, and you have to present yourself as a woman. A professional woman.
Chuckling is good too. Don't roar in laughter... keep it at a reasonable level.
Roaring often displays either insecurity or lack of self control.

3. Make sure that people you talk to have eye contact with you. Ignore the fact that you have to look up and they have to look down. That goes away if your gaze is confident and steady enough. Don't stare... but have a firm and steady gaze.
The right kind of eye contact can make a 5 footer seem 8 feet tall in the eyes of others.

4. Don't weave. When/if you have to present something, have ALL facts and ALL arguments set out in your mind and on paper first. Make sure that each presentation is a firm and professional presentation.
Also having all the facts and all the arguments will increase your self confidence.
Don't get sidetracked...
Should something surprise you or should you get an unexpected question, an "I'll look into that and get back to you asap." is far better than insecurity and evasions. And much better than half an answer that might be wrong.

5. Be pleasant. Don't get agitated. Don't get angry no matter what kind of shit people throw at you. It's not just children that test the limits of others. We all do it. All through our lives.
Don't let people get a rise out of you. If you have to, take a short walk, where you can be certain no one you know can see you, and then "kick a tree". That works wonders, gets the frustration and aggression out of your system, and let you return to your job with a more stable and calm mind.
"Kick a tree" can be anything that works for you. :)

6. Don't expect people around you to be your friends. They might be or become, but it is just as likely that they wont, and that you will just experience a good working relationship. It is possible to work with people that absolutely disgust you, as long as you keep a professional attitude.

7. Be honest about yourself TO yourself. You know your limits, others think they do. So be honest to yourself first, and then let others see and feel what you think is prudent.

8. Don't raise your voice. Keep a firm check on your temper. Raising your voice indicates that you are insecure.
If anything... lower your voice. Both pitch and volume. That will force people to listen more carefully to you, and is a better way of getting their undivided attention.

Once they start respecting you professionally, it's easier for them to respect you as a person.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#45  Postby Spearthrower » Jan 14, 2012 12:09 pm

What Globe says is correct if you want to get people to respect you - the other way is to not give a flying fuck what other people think of you and just live up to your own expectations. Both ways will still procure haters and people who respect you.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#46  Postby johnbrandt » Jan 14, 2012 2:36 pm

It doesn't really matter if you are male or female, black, white, whatever...do a good job and people will eventually give you the respect you crave.

What people don't, generally, like are people who openly make it obvious that they think you should just automatically give them respect, and that works at all levels from garbage collector to heads of government.
As for sex, it doesn't, to the vast majority of people, matter. Womens groups seem to think that men "won't accept" femal pilots, politicians, or bosses...wrong wrong wrong...we basically couldn't care less, providing you haven't been handed the job as some form of quota-filling exercise, and are there because of merit...in other words, you are the best person for the job.

There's nothing worse than anyone of either sex who is in a position of power who is there only because of some sort of affirmative action or quota system, and thinks they deserve the same "respect" as someone who has slogged thier guts out for years proving thier skills. Don't work that way, sorry.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#47  Postby NineOneFour » Jan 14, 2012 3:36 pm

Actually, some people won't accept women, or blacks, or gays, or atheists no matter what you do.

These people are just bigots, and well, fuck em.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#48  Postby MoonLit » Jan 14, 2012 4:22 pm

NineOneFour wrote:Actually, some people won't accept women, or blacks, or gays, or atheists no matter what you do.

These people are just bigots, and well, fuck em.


But not literally. :grin:
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#49  Postby Sonoran Lion » Jan 14, 2012 5:30 pm

inkaStepa wrote:I'm a 5 ft 110 lb hispanic female. I'm just a student but I do make an effort to look professional. But, people still don't seem to take me seriously. I always find myself being talked down to or lectured. So my question is what makes people respect other people? Is it power and societal positions? What can I do to make myself seem more solid? Thanks.


I'm in a rather similar situation being Hispanic and also on the shorter side in regard to the height of other males (I also look much younger than I am, especially when I am cleanly shaved). This may make it a little harder to earn respect, but I find that most people can come to respect you through your actions and interactions with them. Even if you are a student, carry yourself as a professional. This can give you confidence which others may pick up on. When it comes to those that talk down to you or lecture you, and even interacting with people that aren't doing things like that, I would show interest and concern with what I am being told. At first they may not be showing much respect for you but in my experience, by showing that you are listening and maybe implementing some of their ideas, these people have a tendency to grow respect for you. In fact, some of the people that now respect me most were people that first treated me as if I didn't know anything.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#50  Postby Globe » Jan 14, 2012 5:58 pm

johnbrandt wrote:It doesn't really matter if you are male or female, black, white, whatever...do a good job and people will eventually give you the respect you crave.

What people don't, generally, like are people who openly make it obvious that they think you should just automatically give them respect, and that works at all levels from garbage collector to heads of government.
As for sex, it doesn't, to the vast majority of people, matter. Womens groups seem to think that men "won't accept" femal pilots, politicians, or bosses...wrong wrong wrong...we basically couldn't care less, providing you haven't been handed the job as some form of quota-filling exercise, and are there because of merit...in other words, you are the best person for the job.

There's nothing worse than anyone of either sex who is in a position of power who is there only because of some sort of affirmative action or quota system, and thinks they deserve the same "respect" as someone who has slogged thier guts out for years proving thier skills. Don't work that way, sorry.

Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#51  Postby Joe09 » Jan 14, 2012 6:05 pm

Globe wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


not strictly true. being 5ft 4 was a massive disadvantage for me at school and some people still try and take advantage of it now (but since then ive learned how to deal with those people), and im male
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#52  Postby Globe » Jan 14, 2012 6:12 pm

Joe09 wrote:
Globe wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


not strictly true. being 5ft 4 was a massive disadvantage for me at school and some people still try and take advantage of it now (but since then ive learned how to deal with those people), and im male

It was about gender actually. :)
About John claiming that being a woman and a professional isn't posing some... challenges that men often doesn't face.

But other than that you are right.
Being short is a pain in the ass.
Glad I moved to Belgium where it seem as if I am slightly above average height, in contrast to Denmark where I'm more or less a runt with my 5ft 6.
(everyone else I know there are somewhere between 6ft and 6ft 7. :nono: )
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As soon as I can find you a piece that hasn't gone rotten." - Globe

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Re: How to get people to respect you

#53  Postby Joe09 » Jan 14, 2012 6:15 pm

Globe wrote:
Joe09 wrote:
Globe wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


not strictly true. being 5ft 4 was a massive disadvantage for me at school and some people still try and take advantage of it now (but since then ive learned how to deal with those people), and im male

It was about gender actually. :)
About John claiming that being a woman and a professional isn't posing some... challenges that men often doesn't face.

But other than that you are right.
Being short is a pain in the ass.
Glad I moved to Belgium where it seem as if I am slightly above average height, in contrast to Denmark where I'm more or less a runt with my 5ft 6.
(everyone else I know there are somewhere between 6ft and 6ft 7. :nono: )



ah yes, anyone who thinks females no longer get a harder time in buisness is delusional or lucky to be in a country where that bias has dissapeard.

oh believe me i know, when your male and your height is shorter than the average female height of your country which is obviously shorter than the average male height it does wonders to your life
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#54  Postby thaesofereode » Jan 14, 2012 6:23 pm

Globe wrote:
inkaStepa wrote:I'm a 5 ft 110 lb hispanic female. I'm just a student but I do make an effort to look professional. But, people still don't seem to take me seriously. I always find myself being talked down to or lectured. So my question is what makes people respect other people? Is it power and societal positions? What can I do to make myself seem more solid? Thanks.

You are at a disadvantage at several levels here.
Despite the fact that most advice given in this thread is good and useful.

Let's start from the top.
5 ft
To put it crudely.... you are short.
Which makes it easier, also psychologically, for people to simply not look at you.
And you are at a disadvantage when it comes to eye contact.
THEY have to look down, and YOU have to look up. That have subconscious implications on both sides.

Hispanic
You belong to a minority. And let's face it. Hispanics are traditionally seen as socially inferior.
They are maids, gardeners.... Illegal immigrants.
Another disadvantage.

Female
That alone would put you in a disadvantage professionally.
Never mind the idea that there is equality between genders. It's something that look good on paper, but ONLY on paper.
The real world is somewhat different.

Student
Well.... you are a STUDENT.
What the heck do you know?
Doesn't matter that you are more knowledgeable than a seasoned professional. You are a student, and they don't have to listen until you have a diploma. And even then there is a pecking order of seniority.

What can you do about this?
Because it is a result of a number of factors, and you'll have to fight several preconceptions.

1. Be PROFESSIONAL. At all times. Chatter is something that takes place during breaks.
Not saying that you should be a stiff stickler, but when you work, you work. That alone will earn you some respect.
Of course there should be room for a casual conversation, but make sure that, unless someone comes to you in distress, the time is "right" for that with the person in question. And keep it short.

2. Don't giggle. Sounds strange, but don't. If something is funny... laugh. Don't giggle. Giggling is for girls, and you have to present yourself as a woman. A professional woman.
Chuckling is good too. Don't roar in laughter... keep it at a reasonable level.
Roaring often displays either insecurity or lack of self control.

3. Make sure that people you talk to have eye contact with you. Ignore the fact that you have to look up and they have to look down. That goes away if your gaze is confident and steady enough. Don't stare... but have a firm and steady gaze.
The right kind of eye contact can make a 5 footer seem 8 feet tall in the eyes of others.

4. Don't weave. When/if you have to present something, have ALL facts and ALL arguments set out in your mind and on paper first. Make sure that each presentation is a firm and professional presentation.
Also having all the facts and all the arguments will increase your self confidence.
Don't get sidetracked...
Should something surprise you or should you get an unexpected question, an "I'll look into that and get back to you asap." is far better than insecurity and evasions. And much better than half an answer that might be wrong.

5. Be pleasant. Don't get agitated. Don't get angry no matter what kind of shit people throw at you. It's not just children that test the limits of others. We all do it. All through our lives.
Don't let people get a rise out of you. If you have to, take a short walk, where you can be certain no one you know can see you, and then "kick a tree". That works wonders, gets the frustration and aggression out of your system, and let you return to your job with a more stable and calm mind.
"Kick a tree" can be anything that works for you. :)

6. Don't expect people around you to be your friends. They might be or become, but it is just as likely that they wont, and that you will just experience a good working relationship. It is possible to work with people that absolutely disgust you, as long as you keep a professional attitude.

7. Be honest about yourself TO yourself. You know your limits, others think they do. So be honest to yourself first, and then let others see and feel what you think is prudent.

8. Don't raise your voice. Keep a firm check on your temper. Raising your voice indicates that you are insecure.
If anything... lower your voice. Both pitch and volume. That will force people to listen more carefully to you, and is a better way of getting their undivided attention.

Once they start respecting you professionally, it's easier for them to respect you as a person.


:this:

As a very young child, I used to tag along with my auntie as she ran the errands for her husband's business. She was all of 5'2" and a "little old lady" with her white hair pulled up into a bun on her head. She dressed appropriately and neatly, conducted herself with the utmost dignity, never raised her voice, and dealt firmly and fairly with everyone. I NEVER saw anyone dare treat her with any disrespect. She had been a schoolteacher at one time, so I'm guessing she'd perfected the command of respect through that experience as well. She was smart, no-nonsense, and forthright, and to this day, she's my role model for business dealings. Years ago, before she passed away, I wrote her a long letter of gratefulness for all that she had taught me, including the above, and I'm glad I was able to do that.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#55  Postby cavarka9 » Jan 15, 2012 3:38 am

Joe09 wrote:
Globe wrote:
Joe09 wrote:
Globe wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


not strictly true. being 5ft 4 was a massive disadvantage for me at school and some people still try and take advantage of it now (but since then ive learned how to deal with those people), and im male

It was about gender actually. :)
About John claiming that being a woman and a professional isn't posing some... challenges that men often doesn't face.

But other than that you are right.
Being short is a pain in the ass.
Glad I moved to Belgium where it seem as if I am slightly above average height, in contrast to Denmark where I'm more or less a runt with my 5ft 6.
(everyone else I know there are somewhere between 6ft and 6ft 7. :nono: )



ah yes, anyone who thinks females no longer get a harder time in buisness is delusional or lucky to be in a country where that bias has dissapeard.

oh believe me i know, when your male and your height is shorter than the average female height of your country which is obviously shorter than the average male height it does wonders to your life


strange isnt it that height is also a bias, so is beauty, not just racism and gender.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#56  Postby NineOneFour » Jan 15, 2012 4:09 am

MoonLit wrote:
NineOneFour wrote:Actually, some people won't accept women, or blacks, or gays, or atheists no matter what you do.

These people are just bigots, and well, fuck em.


But not literally. :grin:

Well, no. The gene pool around here is shallow enough as it is.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#57  Postby NineOneFour » Jan 15, 2012 4:10 am

Globe wrote:
johnbrandt wrote:It doesn't really matter if you are male or female, black, white, whatever...do a good job and people will eventually give you the respect you crave.

What people don't, generally, like are people who openly make it obvious that they think you should just automatically give them respect, and that works at all levels from garbage collector to heads of government.
As for sex, it doesn't, to the vast majority of people, matter. Womens groups seem to think that men "won't accept" femal pilots, politicians, or bosses...wrong wrong wrong...we basically couldn't care less, providing you haven't been handed the job as some form of quota-filling exercise, and are there because of merit...in other words, you are the best person for the job.

There's nothing worse than anyone of either sex who is in a position of power who is there only because of some sort of affirmative action or quota system, and thinks they deserve the same "respect" as someone who has slogged thier guts out for years proving thier skills. Don't work that way, sorry.

Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


Bingo.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#58  Postby NineOneFour » Jan 15, 2012 4:11 am

Joe09 wrote:
Globe wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


not strictly true. being 5ft 4 was a massive disadvantage for me at school and some people still try and take advantage of it now (but since then ive learned how to deal with those people), and im male

I'm still going with "carry a gun". :grin:
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#59  Postby cavarka9 » Jan 15, 2012 6:44 am

Joe09 wrote:
Globe wrote:
Sometimes I wonder if we live on the same planet John.
And then I remember.... you not only live on the other side of the pond, you also live on the other side of the gender gap, and can, as such, mostly only speak for yourself.


not strictly true. being 5ft 4 was a massive disadvantage for me at school and some people still try and take advantage of it now (but since then ive learned how to deal with those people), and im male


My sympathies,how tall are you now, can understand but part of me tries to resist putting myself in your shoes for the discrimination it brings, but remember money rules and so does power more than height, at least thats what woman's orgasms seems to suggest according to some studies.
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Re: How to get people to respect you

#60  Postby Globe » Jan 15, 2012 7:20 am

cavarka9 wrote:

strange isnt it that height is also a bias, so is beauty, not just racism and gender.

Yeah...

There was a couple of studies some years ago, can't remember when and what they were called, that suggested that if you wanted an above average wage and fast promotions you had to be:
Above average height
Handsome
Male

Of course it wasn't suggested that that was all it takes, but the conclusion was that it helped quite a lot in general.
"Justice will be served!
As soon as I can find you a piece that hasn't gone rotten." - Globe

When in danger or in doubt, run in circles scream and shout.
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