Beatsong wrote:

Agrippina wrote:I don't think that romantic love enters into these relationships. It seems like it's really a matter of wanting a family and having someone to help with taking care of the kids, and a part time husband. It's different when romantic love is involved. I don't think these men are actually capable of feeling the kind of love that makes a man want an exclusive relationship with a woman. I wonder whether the women feel it or are those feelings suppressed in them from a young age? I'm sure its that feeling of being "in love" that they miss out on which is why they can be so cold about their relationships.

You seem to be presuming that there is some direct, "natural" link between the feeling of love and the conception of an exclusive, monogomous structure in which to enjoy that love. I'm not convinced there is. We value exclusivity and have a presumption of monogamy for many reasons to do with social conditioning, and also often for emotional reasons that have nothing to do with love (insecurity, desire for protection, posessiveness etc.)

I don't see anything wrong with polygamy per se. I think one problem is that when discussing it, western people tend to compare the messy imperfect reality of how polygamy actually plays out, with the idealised theory of the perfect monogomous marriage. This isn't really a fair or meaningful comparison when you think about it. If you honestly consider the amount of heartbreak, stress, separation, deceit, violence, damage to children etc. that takes place under the umbrella of monogomous marriage in western societies, it would take some pretty hard data to convince me that polygamous ones must be worse.

I would add that out of fairness, I see no reason why women shouldn't be equally entitled to have several husbands. Given how much most of the women I know complain about the one they have though, I can't imagine many would want to take up the opportunity.

Agrippina wrote:I think that relationships that last for as long as the people involved are interested in being involved work a lot better than ones where people have promised to stay together for life and then as they go through their life together either grow apart or outgrow the relationship or the other person, or are outgrown by the other person. I also think it's a little ambitious to believe that you will want to be with the person you choose at 20 when you are 80, unless you both make some sort of commitment to maintaining the relationship and work at it. When the relationship is based on "obedience" and subservience, I cannot see that the lesser part of the relationship is going to have a very satisfactory life. Which is why, again from what I've read, older wives tend to treat new younger wives like servants, or younger new wives demand that the older, no longer fertile ones are abandoned. (Sarah demanding that Abraham throw Hagar and Ishmael out.)

I most definitely do not think it is natural to "fall in love" and to stay "in love" throughout a lifetime because the whole business of "falling in love" is merely a hormonal reaction to a physical attraction anyway, and it can happen again and again. I don't think that people who claim to "love" each other after a long life together are "in love" but rather that they've developed, over time, a mutual affection, respect, shared interests, successfully raised offspring and been through dramas with themselves and their offspring and come out without long term damage, rather than "loved" each other through them.
As I've said, I don't believe in "love" as much as I believe in respect, comfort requirements being satisfied, mutual interests, and even financial security as the basis of a successful long term relationship.

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