I'll make this as brief as possible, while trying to demonstrate through my words the deep negative impact religion has had on my life.
Probably the most descriptive term that sort of wraps it up, is that I was born and raised in the 'bible belt' (otherwise known as hell....at least as far as I was concerned).
Throw in a huge family clan of red-neck bible thumpers and real holy rollers (yep, actual holy rollers....among other various sundry displays of religion gone haywire, not the least of which was excorcisms.
I've been up and down the roller coaster for a long time (I'm in my mid sixties), never having found any real peace in this whole arena of religion.
I tried several different denominations of christianity, but found them all lacking any real depth and meaning for my life, except for when I was a small child and Jesus was my best friend, and other times when I mistook emotionality for spirituality. I also sought to find my peace within Buddhism, but that too, was too ritualistic for me, although I did find a lot of benefit to some of the practices.
In most ways, I felt in complete bondage to the christian religion. I didn't know if I could ever get away from all the guilt, shame, and fear associated with it. But even since I was just a child, I knew deep down that what I was hearing from the pulpit and Sunday School teachers was just not real. Especially having first-hand accounts of all the bigotry, harshness and contradictions that I experienced and witnessed in my every day life in the 'christians' all around me.
There were periods in my life when I couldn't even mention words associated with christianity without going into full-fledged panic attacks and rage attacks. I came to literally hate everything associated with christianity.
These days, I'm still seeking to find some sort of significant spiritual peace within myself. All of my family members are christian, and most of my friends. I'm afraid to talk with them about the way I think and feel, because they will immediately judge me and set out to 'save' me.
It's been an agonizing path to travel. I know I have to find the answers, but I really don't know where to begin, except to find a forum such as this and begin to seek to understand what it would mean for me to literally have no 'god'. In some ways it is terrifying and at other times, when I think of the possible freedom that awaits me, I am at peace.
I'm not an intellectual, and not scientifically inclined. So it may not be so easy for me to embrace atheism.
I would gratefully appreciate any suggestions that may help me to understand what atheism really is. Can you recommend any books/websites that would be easy for me to grasp? I'm just starting out on this journey, but I really do want to understand. I'm so weary of fighting this battle.
And how do I begin to share with christian family members? I just want to 'break out' of this box, and be free.
Gratefully,
Truth-seeker