Your honor......if it please the court, a question. It is readily apparent that the court considers the bible to the be true, infallible word of god. However, the court has also pointed out/recognized contradictions within the good book itself. That being the case, shouldn't the court order a competency hearing for the defendant? After all, how can can on statement be true, yet have a contradictory statement be true at the same time? I recognize that I am a mere human and not capable of comprehending the awesomeness that must accompany such confusion, but I do not believe the jury could come to an accurate decision without knowing whether or not the Almighty is nuts or not.

JUDGE: Court is now in session.

Wedge43 wrote:
Your honor......if it please the court, a question. It is readily apparent that the court considers the bible to the be true, infallible word of god. However, the court has also pointed out/recognized contradictions within the good book itself.

Yes this court truly is a bastion of Christian belief. We wish the entire country would bow down before the Master of Love and Baby Deaths, but alas, such is not to be. However, despite the widespread unbelief, this court will not be deterred from its aim of spreading the good word to red pickup truck owner’s country wide.

The court has acknowledged that there are errors in God’s book. Unfortunately, because so few Christians actually read the bible, it’s taken nigh onto two millennium for them to realize it.

We do know for a fact that God can’t lie.

Numbers 23:19
God is not a man, that he should lie;

Titus 1:2
In hope of eternal life, which God, that cannot lie, promised before the world began;

And yet we find what appears to be blatant discrepancies in His word. This truly creates a dilemma?

We know that everything that exists was created by God for His pleasure.

Revelation 4:11
Thou art worthy, O Lord, to receive glory and honour and power: for thou hast created all things, and for thy pleasure they are and were created.

SP: Your honour... I submit that the sex toys in the sex shop down the street are holy and were created for God’s pleasure. Especially that gigantic horse dildo which glows in the dark and...

JUDGE: That is yet to be determined counsellor.

And how does God occupy His time?

Matthew 10:30
But the very hairs of your head are all numbered.

SP: I saw Him trying that on a bald guy your honour! It took Him 2 friggin' weeks before He realized it was pointless.

That being the case, shouldn't the court order a competency hearing for the defendant?

Reviewing the evidence the court agrees. The Lord will submit to a competency hearing.

I have a question for the court. Is man one of god's blunders, or is god one on man's blunders?

*whispers* Morning all, I thought I'd stop by on the way to lunch, how's it going?

Your worship. That person is making a mockery of this very serious case in that ridiculous outfit and hat. I move that Miss Aggie be escorted out of this courtroom immediately!

Ooooops, sorry your Honour, I have had too much birthday wine!

angelo wrote:Your worship. That person is making a mockery of this very serious case in that ridiculous outfit and hat. I move that Miss Aggie be escorted out of this courtroom immediately!

Actually the court finds those hats quite appropriate. As always we take our cue from God’s Holy Church.

Luke 3:11
He answereth and saith unto them, He that hath two coats, let him impart to him that hath none;

Are hats mentioned? No! Therefore the Lord Jesus approves of “modest” hats.


However wearing a heavy hat can be tiring, thankfully The Lord Jesus told us to rest...

Come unto me, all ye that labour and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest.

And as good Christians, we accept our vow of poverty with humility and that humility
even extends to our rest breaks when we’re wearing our hats.


It’s a well-known fact that wearing a new hat can make those evil atheists envious of our good fortune. No true Christian friend would be envious since they have the love of God within them, therefore we must always choose our Christian friends wisely as God has commanded us. Once again the Word of God inspires us and shows us the way.

Proverbs 22:24
Make no friendship with an angry man; and with a furious man thou shalt not go:

As one would expect, the Holy Church of God guides us towards righteousness and aids us in selecting good, decent and god-fearing Christian friends... even if they have no hat.


The clerk of the court will record that:

• Jesus approves of hats
• Jesus says to rest when we’re burdened, especially the heavy-hat wearers among us
• The Lord guides us in selecting friends, and we accept them even if they don’t have a hat

It’s obvious to this court that God loves hats and therefore we too must love hats. But we must never be led astray; even non-hat wearers must be brought into the fold in order to glorify God.

Objection overruled.

Thank you your Honour. *goes off shopping for a new hat for tomorrow*

If it please the court and Jesus. Is this an appropriate hat to wear in court your worship?

Thanks, Angelo that was the one I was looking for.

Well we wouldn't want to offend Jesus and his worship now would we ?

It's better than a crown of thorns.

God takes the stand... part 1

JUDGE: Court in now in session. As we have the Lord here in our midst we ask everyone to display the proper respect. Groveling, prostrating and covering yourself in ash is actively encouraged. We are here to determine if the Lord our God is competent to run the universe and meddle in the affairs of man. As a side note the court recognises the hat worn by angelo. It’s quite fitting for the occasion. Now to business...

Will the witness identify himself for the record? Please state your name.

GOD: I am “I Am.”

JUDGE: The clerk will record that I Am I Am is present.

GOD: No! It’s not I am I am. I said I am “I Am.” There’s only one “I Am” and I am “I Am.”

JUDGE: This is confusing. Why such an odd word for a name?

GOD: There is only one Word and He’s not odd, He’s my Son, the Word is my Son.

JUDGE: Your son is a word?

GOD: No, my Son is The Word!

JUDGE: What word?

GOD: The Word.

JUDGE: I am confused... I really am. Then who’s Sam-I-am?

GOD: He’s not “I Am” that Sam-I-am! I Am the only “I Am.” You’re confusing Sam-I-am with me... who is the true “I Am.”

JUDGE: Who is the true “I Am?” Isn’t it Sam-I-am?

GOD: I do not like that Sam-I-am. He might eat green eggs and ham and I’ve forbidden ham for Sam-I-am.

JUDGE: I do not see your Son here: I do not see your Son there: I do not see your Son anywhere! I do not see Him in a house, I do not see Him under a mouse, I do not...

GOD: Oh FFS! This is becoming absolutely silly! Just call Him the Lamb.

JUDGE: Would you eat that lamb in a box? Would you eat that lamb with a fox?

GOD: Not in a box. Not with a fox. Not in a house. Not with a mouse. You can’t eat my Son here or there. You can’t eat my Son anywhere. Wait! This is becoming a farce! Just call me “I Am” and my Son, “The Lamb.”

SP: Your honour, Popeye, despite his speech impediment, is also an “I am”. I present exhibit D:


And I wish the court to note that Sam is an “I am” I present exhibit E:


GOD: Let this court know... there is only one “I Am” there are no “I Ams.”

SP: I present exhibit F:


GOD: I relent! Just call me Lord and don’t call my Son a lamb, call Him Jesus.

JUDGE: The clerk will kindly inform the cafeteria staff to remove the leg of lamb from the lunch menu.

GOD: Is it true that you revealed yourself to the people of Israel?

GOD: Are you implying that they saw my nether region?

SP: I think He showed them His wiener your honour!

GOD: I haven’t the slightest interest in wieners.

JUDGE: Counsellor Puppy, why do you assume the Lord is interested in wieners?

SP: Your honour, I’ve heard of people who make a mountain out of a molehill, but the Lord makes hills out of, well read it for yourself. Joshua 5:3 KJV.

And Joshua made him sharp knives, and circumcised the children of Israel at the hill of the foreskins.

GOD: I can explain that. We were short of building materials and we just happened to use what material was handy at the moment.

SP: Did the children of Israel go skiing on that hill Lord?

JUDGE: Anything else wiener related counsellor?

SP: Your honour, when one offers his daughter in marriage, well, generally a Hallmark card is acceptable to all as a gift from the prospective husband. Yet when Saul offered his daughter Michal to David, was a Hallmark card acceptable from David? Obviously not! Read it here: 1 Samuel 18:25

And Saul said, Thus shall ye say to David, The king desireth not any dowry, but an hundred foreskins of the Philistines, to be avenged of the king's enemies

JUDGE: This is rather odd coming from the book of the Creator of the universe.

GOD: Can one doubt my power? I, even I, made the two great lights, the great light to rule the day, and the small light to rule the night.

SP: Let me present exhibit G your honour.


SP: Your honour, I think the Lord is an incompetent wanker who’s obsessed with wieners!

GOD: Your honour, Counsellor Puppy is making a mockery of these proceedings. I move for a dismissal!

JUDGE: Your objection is overruled; Counsellor Puppy is a serious and dedicated barrister.

The hour is late... we'll recess until tomorrow. Court is adjourned!

I think this hat is 'armless for court.



I thought green was appropriate to go with the eggs and spam.

Green so becomes you Miss Aggie.

Thank you Angelo!

God takes the stand... part 2

JUDGE: Court is now in session.

We’ve had a few complaints lately that we’re accommodating religious beliefs. Let me put an end to that rumour right now. This court is 100% secular and will not be influenced by religion. I trust that I’ve satisfactorily put an end to that rumour. Now I’d like to welcome everyone back to the courtroom after the extended break to honour the resurrection of Jesus during the Easter celebration.

I will remind the court that the Lord our God is present in the courtroom and I don’t want to hear any form of blasphemy. If anyone blasphemes they will be held in contempt of court.

SP: So if I call God a prick, would that be blasphemous your honour?

JUDGE: Yes that is correct.

SP: How about if I call Him a fucking wanker?

JUDGE: Yes that is also correct.

SP: How about if I call Him a filthy, perverted piece of sh...

JUDGE: That will do councelor! Let’s get on with our current case... Councelor Puppy wishes to address the court, you may proceed councelor.

SP: Your honour my questions are directed at the Lord our God. Lord, did your Son say this?

The Gospel of Thomas
Jesus said, 'I am the light shining everywhere. I'm the sum total of everything. Everything started with me and everything is coming home to me. Split a piece of wood, and I am there. Lift up a stone, and I am there.'

LORD: Yes those are His words, although man has not seen fit to include the Gospel of Thomas in my book.

SP: Did your Son also say this about you Lord, in that nothing happens without your knowledge, or perhaps I could state it this way, without you seeing it take place?

Matthew 10:29
Are not two sparrows sold for a farthing? and one of them shall not fall on the ground without your Father.

LORD: Yes those are the words of my Son, and yes, I am everywhere at all times. I see and hear all.

SP: Thank you Lord. For my edification, may I ask this... Is there anywhere, and I mean anywhere that you are not present on the earth regardless of location, time or how cramped the location might be?

LORD: As my Son hath said, nothing happens without our seeing it, even when wood is split. My Son and I are ubiquitous.

SP: Thank you Lord for clearing that up. Your honour let me now present my case.

Your honour, the Lord, by His own admission says that He is virtually everywhere at all times. Now like depositors at a bank we all need to make a daily “deposit” while sitting on our sanitary pedestals in the throne room of our homes. In some cases, after having a huge meal of cabbage and beans for example, that deposit can be quite volatile and deadly! I submit your honour that every time we make a deposit the Lord our God is in the bowl watching our every “movement”. In fact, I would go further and state that we’re dropping lumps of noxious goodness onto the very face of the Lord our God!

LORD: I object! That’s taking things to the extreme.

JUDGE: Objection overruled. You have already stated that “nothing” escapes your notice and that you are everywhere. You can’t have it both ways. You may continue Puppy.

SP: Thank you your honour. In addition to watching this, ah... drama unfold, the Lord also smells the nectar of those deposited lumps of runny goodness... to wit!

Genesis 8:21
And the Lord smelled a sweet savour;

SP: I submit your honour that each and every time we make either a small or a gargantuan deposit in the bowls of our sanitary pedestals; we’re dropping a stinky part of us right onto the Lord’s face.

LORD: This is beyond ridiculous! Do you think even for a moment councelor Puppy that my Son and I are concerned with what mankind does when he sits down on his throne and makes a deposit?

SP: Didn’t your Son invite us to sit with Him on His throne so we could make deposits in harmony with Him? Plus, don’t you and your Son sit on your throne and make mighty and holy deposits together?

LORD: That’s a lie!

SP: From your own book!

Revelation 3:21
To him that overcometh will I grant to sit with me in my throne, even as I also overcame, and am set down with my Father in his throne.

SP: Your honour, I humbly submit that given all of the evidence that I’ve presented to this court, the court must find that the Lord our God and His Son are full of shit, or at least, they’re covered in it from the billions of daily depositors world-wide! As there are young people present in this court I will not outline what the Lord our God looks at while these deposits are being made... I will leave “that part” to everyone’s imagination.

I ask the court to find the Lord our God not competent to run a universe since He and His Son spend their time looking up everyone’s assho...

JUDGE: Thank you councelor. This is certainly a sticky business indeed! We will recess to allow the court time to consider these implications.

Court is adjourned.

*I think you need a clean hat Aggie...*

How's this one Onyx, clean enough?

Given the recent content of this trial, I think one in a brownish colour might be more apropos. Preferably with a drain...