Posted: May 02, 2010 4:38 am
Crazy things I've heard fundamentalist Christians say:
[From one very overweight Christian lady] "I don't need to diet. Being overweight just means that there's more of me to worship Jesus."
[From my born-again Christian mother-in-law] Years ago, I asked her what she thought about God not intervening in suffering. She asked, "What suffering are you talking about." I said, "Are you serious? Just look all around you. People suffering from terrible diseases, children being abducted, raped, and killed, people suffering from natural disasters such as tornadoes, hurricanes, etc." She said, "Oh. Well when our children were growing up, we just prayed the blood of Jesus on our house, and our children were all healthy." It's true that up until that point in her life, none of her children had ever suffered from any sort of serious disease. Now, though, at the age of 75, she has Alzheimers and no longer recognizes her husband or any of her five children. It makes me really sad to see her in this state, but I have to confess that at times I want to ask her arrogant husband why "praying the blood of Jesus on their house" didn't seem to work this time around.
[From my born-again Christian, former Methodist pastor, father-in-law] His wife (the woman mentioned above) once told me a story about a little boy who came with his single mother to visit them one day. In order to entertain the little boy (who was apparently 3 or 4 at the time), they had the brilliant (not!) idea of setting up some kind of ladder in their front yard for the child to climb on. As the three adults were chatting and allowing the little boy to play on the ladder, they heard a scream. The ladder collapsed in on itself (surprise, surprise) and the child's finger was caught inside it. An ambulance was called, but in the meantime, half of the child's finger was severed and was not able to be reattached through surgery. When I looked at my father-in-law in horror, he said to me, "His finger grew back." Since I didn't want to start a fight, I didn't say a word, but I sure would have liked to have asked him for a picture of that one.
[From a Christian guy I used to debate online (a Calvinist) who was in seminary after obtaining a degree in philosophy.] I once asked him why God would create me (or someone like me) knowing that he intended to subject me to eternal torment. I said, "What am I? God's garbage?" He said, "You are not garbage. You have never been garbage. You never will be garbage. Every person is valuable to God. In your case, it may be that God is going to use you to bring someone else to know Christ." It's funny. At first, I thought he was trying to say that he thought that I was valuable in the sense that I was precious to God or that God loved me. However, when he added the part about using me to bring someone else to "know Christ," I realized that what he was really saying was that he believed I was "valuable" or "loved" by God in the same way that a toilet is valuable or "loved by" someone who desperately needs to relieve himself. Given that context of being "valuable," being garbage would be a step up. What he was really trying to say is that he saw me as less than garbage. Gotta love the "good news" of the Gospel.
[From the same seminary student mentioned above] When asked how eternal torment could be an act of love, he said, "It's an act of love because God is keeping the people in hell alive, and he is not increasing their punishment, as he justly could."
[From a Christian woman who is a member of my husband's church and who had asked our then eight-year-old daughter to pray for her] When I asked her about it, she said, "I always ask children to pray for things that are really important because I figure God is more likely to answer their prayers than he is to answer the prayers of an adult."
[From one very overweight Christian lady] "I don't need to diet. Being overweight just means that there's more of me to worship Jesus."
[From my born-again Christian mother-in-law] Years ago, I asked her what she thought about God not intervening in suffering. She asked, "What suffering are you talking about." I said, "Are you serious? Just look all around you. People suffering from terrible diseases, children being abducted, raped, and killed, people suffering from natural disasters such as tornadoes, hurricanes, etc." She said, "Oh. Well when our children were growing up, we just prayed the blood of Jesus on our house, and our children were all healthy." It's true that up until that point in her life, none of her children had ever suffered from any sort of serious disease. Now, though, at the age of 75, she has Alzheimers and no longer recognizes her husband or any of her five children. It makes me really sad to see her in this state, but I have to confess that at times I want to ask her arrogant husband why "praying the blood of Jesus on their house" didn't seem to work this time around.
[From my born-again Christian, former Methodist pastor, father-in-law] His wife (the woman mentioned above) once told me a story about a little boy who came with his single mother to visit them one day. In order to entertain the little boy (who was apparently 3 or 4 at the time), they had the brilliant (not!) idea of setting up some kind of ladder in their front yard for the child to climb on. As the three adults were chatting and allowing the little boy to play on the ladder, they heard a scream. The ladder collapsed in on itself (surprise, surprise) and the child's finger was caught inside it. An ambulance was called, but in the meantime, half of the child's finger was severed and was not able to be reattached through surgery. When I looked at my father-in-law in horror, he said to me, "His finger grew back." Since I didn't want to start a fight, I didn't say a word, but I sure would have liked to have asked him for a picture of that one.
[From a Christian guy I used to debate online (a Calvinist) who was in seminary after obtaining a degree in philosophy.] I once asked him why God would create me (or someone like me) knowing that he intended to subject me to eternal torment. I said, "What am I? God's garbage?" He said, "You are not garbage. You have never been garbage. You never will be garbage. Every person is valuable to God. In your case, it may be that God is going to use you to bring someone else to know Christ." It's funny. At first, I thought he was trying to say that he thought that I was valuable in the sense that I was precious to God or that God loved me. However, when he added the part about using me to bring someone else to "know Christ," I realized that what he was really saying was that he believed I was "valuable" or "loved" by God in the same way that a toilet is valuable or "loved by" someone who desperately needs to relieve himself. Given that context of being "valuable," being garbage would be a step up. What he was really trying to say is that he saw me as less than garbage. Gotta love the "good news" of the Gospel.
[From the same seminary student mentioned above] When asked how eternal torment could be an act of love, he said, "It's an act of love because God is keeping the people in hell alive, and he is not increasing their punishment, as he justly could."
[From a Christian woman who is a member of my husband's church and who had asked our then eight-year-old daughter to pray for her] When I asked her about it, she said, "I always ask children to pray for things that are really important because I figure God is more likely to answer their prayers than he is to answer the prayers of an adult."