Posted: May 02, 2021 6:02 am
by Agrippina
Ironclad wrote:Hello again! :)
You’ve been gone around a year maybe. I hope that you have been well.


I'm not going to complain. It's been tough. Not just covid, but having to come to terms with my guilt about not doing something to avoid the hell my boy has been through because I denied it when his headmaster told me to get him tested for autism when he was 10. I said "he's just like me, he'll manage. He's cleverer than I am and if I could manage, he'll do better." Except he didn't, and then for five years he lived with losing everything, while his dad finally took responsibility for him after a major breakdown, but then died, leaving his home to a heartless witch who told my boy she didn't care if he lived under a bridge with his dog.

I uprooted us from our comfort zone in the mountains and finally took responsibility for my stupidity when I was in my 40s, and ought to have known better. Now I live with the consequences. Yes, he's "just like me" complete with autism, generalised anxiety disorder, ADD, and OCD, except he has a few added demons to deal with and I've spent two years beating myself up for my ignorance when I should've been helping him navigate the world of apartheid, bigotry towards the neuro-diverse, and his complex way of identifying himself. I had to isolate myself before covid made it worse, and several breakdowns, paranoia, self-hatred, then a psychotic episode, brought on by my losing a lot of money we can't afford to lose, and ending a "friendship" with someone who fed my own demons, finally I'm at peace with myself. He's wonderful. We protect each other from the world, spend hours every day talking about whatever the interest of the day is, sometimes it sounds like arguing but it's not, it's love. I thought coming home to a place that "got" me in the past would at least give me somewhere I can visit friends who I've known since 2009.

We also got another two dogs to replace the one he wouldn't let go of because autistic people find it hard to just allow the vet to do that. They are wonderful companions for him, and just like us, they don't do well with strangers. But they love us, and enjoy nothing more than snuggling the afternoons away with Eddie and me on my bed. It's a bit crowded but it's lovely.

So yes, I'm finally doing a lot better than I was even a month ago. I had a birthday, got my hair fixed up after a year of wild growth, spent the day with my kids and theirs, which was like a dose of healing. A month later I'm still feeling positive.

Over the last two years I've researched my family tree which was fascinating. I found out that there's not a drop of English in me, (sad because I adore Britain and its history), and that I have Indonesia, Mauritian, Tanzanian, Angolan, Indian and Khoi genes. An interesting mix, but annoying to older sisters who insist they were descended from Jewish people. Nope, the only Jewish person in the ancestry converted to Protestantism in the 1600s, so my dad was wrong. But it makes me an African, even though the Danish genes gave me blue eyes and blond hair. This kept me busy for about 18 months and when I'm inclined to write, I work on a book I want to put together in print for the grandkids to be able to show to their grandkids one day.

So I'm back and feeling welcomed. Thank you, also in advance to anyone else who comes this way to read what I've been doing.

I'm also a loud about neuro-diverity, and my learning of psychology helped me understand the diagnosis. I help my grandkids understand why I find parties hard, why my son won't leave his dogs or the house to socialise with strangers, and why I'm the weird granny who doesn't like dressing up to impress people who keep telling me I talk too much, and should "think positive thoughts" and give way too much information about myself. My older sisters and their kids avoid me in case I let on to the racists that they're essentially descended from the objects of their bigotry,

So there it is. I won't fight with anyone about the things I'm interested in, there are only so many spoons I can use every day, and I'm not wasting them on fights on the internet.