Posted: Oct 31, 2018 1:52 am
The question weighs on me. This Thursday will be the 10th anniversary of my Dad's suicide, and I've spent many nights wondering what I could or should have done, or if I had a right to intervene at all. He was 82, and was ill but not terminal. He had Type 2 diabetes, was on injectable insulin, and doing the finger stick thing. He'd had intestinal cancer but it was successfully treated by surgery alone. But he'd spent the last 5 (at least) years of his life sitting at the table watching the boats go by on the intracoastal waterway. He didn't have any friends, any hobbies, he couldn't eat what he wanted, drink what he wanted, and he was physically incapable of doing the things he had always kept very busy with. Rebuilding antique cars, crewing a racing sailboat, living and working all over the world - that constant activity was, I think, his way of dealing with the black dog, who had followed him his entire adult life. Back in the 60s they'd even done the whole electro-shock thing to him. To top it off, my mom (rest her, too) was a strong woman. "Formidable", as my brother-in-law said when he met her. With the best of intentions she cosseted him, and he wasn't the sort of man to resist. Whether his actions were a product of the goddamn black dog or a rational decision taken by a rational man, I'll never be sure. I think maybe a bit of both.
I've come to terms with it, certainly took a while and it wasn't an easy thing to forgive. No, not forgive, that's a stupid word. There's no forgiveness necessary, he did what he felt was the best thing. The only thing, actually, because once you decide on that course of action you've exhausted all other avenues. That's the rub. One man's "exhaust all other avenues" is another man's "you're giving up without a fight". If you judge someone because you perceive them as weak, or selfish, then maybe you have to forgive them to move on, but if you can accept that for whatever reason suicide was their only rational choice then no forgiveness is required, only understanding and sorrow.
My advice to anyone thinking about it, though, is leave a goddamn note and explain yourself. Don't let your family wonder.
I've come to terms with it, certainly took a while and it wasn't an easy thing to forgive. No, not forgive, that's a stupid word. There's no forgiveness necessary, he did what he felt was the best thing. The only thing, actually, because once you decide on that course of action you've exhausted all other avenues. That's the rub. One man's "exhaust all other avenues" is another man's "you're giving up without a fight". If you judge someone because you perceive them as weak, or selfish, then maybe you have to forgive them to move on, but if you can accept that for whatever reason suicide was their only rational choice then no forgiveness is required, only understanding and sorrow.
My advice to anyone thinking about it, though, is leave a goddamn note and explain yourself. Don't let your family wonder.