Posted: Dec 08, 2016 1:36 pm
The final attempt was SERIOUS. Planned with aid of the Hemlock Society. I told NO-ONE. I disposed of my personal possessions. I made a will. I gave away everything I owned to friends, but with NO explanation as to why. I selected a method that would provide the discoverers of my body the least emotional trauma, but with the highest statistical chance of success (not chickening out at the last moment).
My experiences with suicidal thoughts are probably the exact opposite of this. When I was at the lowest points I was completely disconnected from society and the world, possessions and the comfort of others meant nothing whatsoever. I wandered aimlessly about without eating or drinking for days. The way I explain how it felt is that if I found out I had won millions in a lottery, I would not have reacted at all, if anything it would have driven me deeper into depression because the timing would have seemed like the universe was mocking me.