Why I Went Away...

A cautionary tale.

Studies of mental functions, behaviors and the nervous system.

Moderators: Calilasseia, ADParker

Why I Went Away...

#1  Postby hackenslash » Apr 17, 2018 3:33 pm

This came up elsewhere, and a few from here have asked me about it in other venues, so I might as well share it here.

I've struggled with depression for a very long time. I've usually been able to cope with it, and indeed one of my coping mechanisms is the reason that I've always been seen as a calming influence.

I've also had back problems for many years. It all came to a head two years ago with a prolapsed disc that gave me severe nerve pain in the lower back and legs. I had corrective surgery, but it ruptured again three weeks later. I had the surgery again and it's fixed, but the nerves in my lower lumbar don't know how to stop, so I'm always in some pain.

If I get even the slightest bit of discomfort anywhere in my back now, those nerves go into overdrive and I get searing pain all down both legs and up my spine. At its worst, it goes right up into the head, and it's like a team of stunt blowtorch dancers are perfecting their Sammy Davis Jr impersonations.

While all this was going on, I had bouts of just wanting to shut the world out. So when excuses to shut bits of it out presented themselves, I took them.

A couple of months ago, an incident on social media between dear friends that escalated beyond all reasonable proportions tipped me over the edge, and I almost pulled the plug on life completely. I knew I was in trouble, because I was rationally assessing what was the best way to do it without leaving a mess for Mrs Slash to clean up, so I wrote a blog post about it (link below).

Luckily, some of my friends read the post and reached out to me straight away. One of them sent me pics of her norks, and advised me that I should open a secret twitter account to look at the seamier, more light-hearted side. It made all the difference.

On reflection, much as the forums pissed me off on occasion, that's the thing I shouldn't have cut out, and in the last couple of weeks I've been making a concerted effort to contact as many from RDF initially, but also from here and Ratz, as I can.

I bumped into one former member on Twitter that I remember interacting with on Facebook in the immediate aftermath of the closure of RDF. She's had some pretty severe health issues that have affected her long-term memory, and she's pretty much deleted her entire internet history, including an extensive blog, and taken herself offline.

She has no memory of ever being part of our little shitshow, and I can tell it give her a great deal of pain. Because my association was mostly on Facebook, and whatever I knew her as before has been replace by her real name, I thought that asking the admins to reactivate my accounts might give me access to search and see if I could find any clues, so that I can find her in the RDF archive I have and recover some of her writing (her writing is exceptional). Also, because of the awesome catharsis of interacting with old friends on FB and twitter, I thought I might find some here.

So, the story of hack, why he was briefly a cunt, and why he's back.

https://www.hackenslash.co.uk/2018/02/torture.html
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Ads by Google


Re: Why I Went Away...

#2  Postby LucidFlight » Apr 17, 2018 3:37 pm

Thanks for coming back, Hack, and sharing your story. We did miss you!
OFFICIAL MEMBER: QUANTUM CONSTRUCTOR CONSCIOUSNESS QUALIA KOALA COLLECTIVE.
User avatar
LucidFlight
RS Donator
 
Name: Kento
Posts: 10801
Male

Country: UK/US/AU/SG
United Kingdom (uk)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#3  Postby Keep It Real » Apr 17, 2018 3:44 pm

hackenslash wrote:I've also had back problems for many years. It all came to a head two years ago with a prolapsed disc that gave me severe nerve pain in the lower back and legs. I had corrective surgery, but it ruptured again three weeks later. I had the surgery again and it's fixed, but the nerves in my lower lumbar don't know how to stop, so I'm always in some pain.

If I get even the slightest bit of discomfort anywhere in my back now, those nerves go into overdrive and I get searing pain all down both legs and up my spine. At its worst, it goes right up into the head, and it's like a team of stunt blowtorch dancers are perfecting their Sammy Davis Jr impersonations.


I remember my first stepfather saying, when I was a teen: "We forget how lucky we are when wer're not in severe physical pain." The recent injury to my sternum reminded me, yet again of the truth of his words. Sympathies Hack.
You're only conscious when you're thinking about consciousness.
User avatar
Keep It Real
 
Posts: 9221
Age: 39

Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#4  Postby Thomas Eshuis » Apr 17, 2018 5:11 pm

Your initiative reminded me of this lovely ad:
"Respect for personal beliefs = "I am going to tell you all what I think of YOU, but don't dare retort and tell what you think of ME because...it's my personal belief". Hmm. A bully's charter and no mistake."
User avatar
Thomas Eshuis
 
Name: Thomas Eshuis
Posts: 31087
Age: 31
Male

Country: Netherlands
European Union (eur)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#5  Postby Ironclad » Apr 19, 2018 6:55 am

Welcome home, brother H
For Van Youngman - see you amongst the stardust, old buddy

"If there was no such thing as science, you'd be right " - Sean Lock

"God ....an inventive destroyer" - Broks
User avatar
Ironclad
RS Donator
 
Name: Nudge-Nudge
Posts: 23922
Age: 52
Male

Country: Wink-Wink
Indonesia (id)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#6  Postby hackenslash » Apr 19, 2018 12:14 pm

Cheers, dude.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#7  Postby aban57 » Apr 19, 2018 1:46 pm

We didn't interact much before you left, but your imput on this forum is invaluable. Glad you found your way back.
aban57
 
Name: Cindy
Posts: 7442
Age: 41
Female

Country: France
Belgium (be)
Print view this post

Ads by Google


Re: Why I Went Away...

#8  Postby hackenslash » Apr 19, 2018 2:09 pm

Thanks, mate.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#9  Postby The Hanging Monkey » Apr 19, 2018 2:21 pm

Our paths only crossed occasionally before but the forum will be better with your presence. Welcome back, hope you're feeling better.
User avatar
The Hanging Monkey
 
Name: Michael
Posts: 1154
Age: 48
Male

Country: England
United Kingdom (uk)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#10  Postby Rachel Bronwyn » Apr 19, 2018 2:21 pm

Are you getting treatment for the depression?
what a terrible image
User avatar
Rachel Bronwyn
 
Name: speaking moistly
Posts: 13519
Age: 32
Female

Canada (ca)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#11  Postby Bubalus » Apr 19, 2018 3:59 pm

Welcome back
"The greatest enemy of knowledge is not ignorance, it is the illusion of knowledge.” -Stephen Hawking‏
User avatar
Bubalus
 
Posts: 730
Age: 67
Male

United Kingdom (uk)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#12  Postby hackenslash » Apr 22, 2018 6:33 am

The Hanging Monkey wrote:Our paths only crossed occasionally before but the forum will be better with your presence. Welcome back, hope you're feeling better.


Cheers, dude. I'm much stronger now. I've mellowed a fair bit.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#13  Postby hackenslash » Apr 22, 2018 6:34 am

Rachel Bronwyn wrote:Are you getting treatment for the depression?


I am, thanks, yes. I'm in a much better place now.

I see you've been making a bit of a mark. Spotted you on G+.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#14  Postby hackenslash » Apr 22, 2018 6:34 am

Bubalus wrote:Welcome back


Thanks, mate.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#15  Postby Rumraket » Apr 22, 2018 8:24 am

Dude wtf, welcome back.
Half-Life 3 - I want to believe
User avatar
Rumraket
 
Posts: 13215
Age: 40

Print view this post

Ads by Google


Re: Why I Went Away...

#16  Postby hackenslash » Apr 22, 2018 3:32 pm

Cheers, dude.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#17  Postby Blackadder » Apr 23, 2018 9:08 pm

Yo Hack. Good to have you back, man.
That credulity should be gross in proportion to the ignorance of the mind that it enslaves, is in strict consistency with the principle of human nature. - Percy Bysshe Shelley
User avatar
Blackadder
RS Donator
 
Posts: 3776
Male

United Kingdom (uk)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#18  Postby hackenslash » Apr 25, 2018 1:11 pm

Thanks, mate.
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#19  Postby The_Metatron » Apr 25, 2018 9:38 pm

Dude.
I AM Skepdickus!

Check out Hack's blog, too. He writes good.
User avatar
The_Metatron
Moderator
 
Name: Jesse
Posts: 21076
Age: 58
Male

Country: United States
United States (us)
Print view this post

Re: Why I Went Away...

#20  Postby hackenslash » Apr 26, 2018 8:01 pm

Dude! How's it going?
User avatar
hackenslash
THREAD STARTER
 
Name: The Other Sweary One
Posts: 21444
Age: 51
Male

Country: Republic of Mancunia
Print view this post

Next

Return to Psychology & Neuroscience

Who is online

Users viewing this topic: No registered users and 1 guest