An Alternate View

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An Alternate View

#1  Postby surreptitious57 » Apr 21, 2013 9:16 am

While reading the thread that cannot be posted in I was rather intrigued by the comments of Fallible pertaining to grief and how it is not something exclusive to one particular gender when a life partner dies : This is of course true : But it made me wonder if the pain of losing one means it would be better not to ever had one in the first place : Now this is not something you can rationalise about for obvious reasons : But I thought I would put the alternate view since that applies to me : I am forty nine and have already decided I shall be alone for the rest of my life : Thirty one years of isolation may seem a tad unbearable to some but for me it is the natural default position : I do not have to worry about losing my partner and then spending the remaining years of my life in grief because of that : The next funeral I will be attending will be my own and because I do not like them anyway that suits me to a tee : I once mentioned this to someone and they looked at me as if
I was mad : But I was and am deadly serious : Now i am not suggesting that my reason for shunning a soul mate is simply
the avoidance of grief : Obviously it is not : But it nonetheless has the advantage of me being guaranteed no heart ache between now and my death as regards the loss of a loved one : And I do not feel I am missing out on life or anything like
that : Not everyone wants a soul mate anyway : The notion that one is only complete if one has one is absolute nonsense
for why does anyone need someone else to validate their own existence : That makes no sense : But as I said this is not something you can rationalise about : But I just thought I would put the other side so to speak
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Re: An Alternate View

#2  Postby stijndeloose » Apr 21, 2013 4:54 pm

I don't know what that is, a 'soul mate'.
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Re: An Alternate View

#3  Postby Fallible » Apr 21, 2013 5:01 pm

I think that's a valid point of view, surr. If you don't need it in order to feel good, why have it? People should be able to live as they see fit without others criticising them for it. To be totally honest sometimes I wish I didn't love anyone because I dread something happening to the people I love.
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Re: An Alternate View

#4  Postby surreptitious57 » Apr 21, 2013 6:36 pm

Fallible wrote:
I think that is a valid point of view surr . If you do not need it in order to feel good why have it . People should be able
to live as they see fit without others criticising them for it . To be totally honest sometimes I wish I did not love anyone
because I dread something happening to the people I love

But you could also look at it the other way and see that if anything ever happened to you : God forbid : that at least you would have someone there for you which I would not : But what is wrong is the way society can make one feel insecure
if one does not have a partner : It bothers me not a jot but I can see how it could others : I categorise myself as alone
but not lonely : There is a difference : And being alone and happy in my own company is much more preferable to not
being alone and unhappy in someone elses

It is sad too that some women feel they need a man to complete their life : What was the point of feminism if the old sterotypes are to remain : I am not saying that one cannot be married and be a feminist but one can just as easily be unmarried and be a feminist too : And the other thing is that this country has the highest divorce rate in Europe : So
surely more should not be marrying or at least postponing it till as late as possible : But one can not legislate for any
of this : A lot of it is trial and error and you do not always know what you want : Like when I was thirteen I had it all
worked out : I would go to university and get a good job and buy a house and find a nice woman and get married and
have a couple of children and work hard and retire early and blah blah blah blah : At thirteen : What the hell does any
one know at that age : And guess what : Most of that never happened : I have the house but that was inherited so did
not have to buy it but nothing else in that scenario : But now it does not bother me because I am old and past it : So I
just bide my time keeping busy : When death comes I shall just accept it as an other point on the continuum of reality
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Re: An Alternate View

#5  Postby stijndeloose » Apr 21, 2013 7:23 pm

This hurts. Sorry, I'd better leave this thread. Cheerio!
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Re: An Alternate View

#6  Postby surreptitious57 » Apr 21, 2013 7:47 pm

stijndeloose wrote:
This hurts . Sorry I had better leave this thread . Cheerio

Oh dear I am sorry as I did not know : I wish I could say more but sorry again
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Re: An Alternate View

#7  Postby stijndeloose » Apr 21, 2013 7:57 pm

No worries, it's not your fault. :hugs:
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Re: An Alternate View

#8  Postby jamest » May 09, 2013 11:48 pm

Those who abstain from loving to save grieving are choosing to live life in the shadow of death, where there is no lasting joy. Why would anyone abstain from finding a lasting joy in their all too-short lives?
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Re: An Alternate View

#9  Postby Animavore » May 10, 2013 12:27 am

jamest wrote:Those who abstain from loving to save grieving are choosing to live life in the shadow of death, where there is no lasting joy. Why would anyone abstain from finding a lasting joy in their all too-short lives?


More like; Why would anyone abstain from a fleeting joy in their all too-short lives?



And why, indeed? Personally I grab all the little joys I can and to hell with worrying about their durability. Because at the end of the day the hurts are just as fleeting as the joys - Unless you're the type of person who cant let go - And if you do find a joy that lasts in among all these other little joys, well all power to you. Serendipity has befallen you.

I can't agree with the OP that there is an advantage to not attaching one's self to people, that it will help one avoid heartache. To me 'heartache' is being alone without friends and lovers, lasting or not.

But if being alone is your thing then, I think obviously, you should embrace that and not feel that you have to be with someone because everyone else thinks that is how one should be. Ive often baulked at phrases like, "We all need somebody to love" myself. That's projection in my opinion.

But personally I've already lost and let some great women slip through my fingers because I'm such an arsehole and do not regret the pain nor the pleasure I had with them. And I will probably do it again.
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Re: An Alternate View

#10  Postby jamest » May 10, 2013 12:44 am

Animavore wrote:
jamest wrote:Those who abstain from loving to save grieving are choosing to live life in the shadow of death, where there is no lasting joy. Why would anyone abstain from finding a lasting joy in their all too-short lives?


More like; Why would anyone abstain from a fleeting joy in their all too-short lives?



And why, indeed? Personally I grab all the little joys I can and to hell with worrying about their durability. Because at the end of the day the hurts are just as fleeting as the joys - Unless you're the type of person who cant let go - And if you do find a joy that lasts in among all these other little joys, well all power to you. Serendipity has befallen you.

I can't agree with the OP that there is an advantage to not attaching one's self to people, that it will help one avoid heartache. To me 'heartache' is being alone without friends and lovers, lasting or not.

But if being alone is your thing then, I think obviously, you should embrace that and not feel that you have to be with someone because everyone else thinks that is how one should be. Ive often baulked at phrases like, "We all need somebody to love" myself. That's projection in my opinion.

But personally I've already lost and let some great women slip through my fingers because I'm such an arsehole and do not regret the pain nor the pleasure I had with them. And I will probably do it again.

You sound like a happy-go-lucky kinda person (though I could be wrong). But the OP appears to be abstaining from love to save himself future grief. Man, that can't be right.
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Re: An Alternate View

#11  Postby surreptitious57 » May 10, 2013 2:21 am

jamest wrote:
Animavore wrote:
I have already lost and let some great women slip
through my fingers because I am such an arsehole

You sound like a happy go lucky kinda person ( though I could be wrong )
But the OP appears to be abstaining from love to save himself future grief

First of all Thomas you are a young man and so have plenty of time to settle down if that is what you want : You do not know if any of those women would have been the one for you : So you are fretting over something that might never have been any
way : But if you are so successful with the ladies then you will find more : The only problem for you is that she would have to be a foreigner given how you famously do not like your own fellow country women but that is no real problem : Narrows it doen a bit but it is doable : You are above average intelligence and reasonably fit and quite liberal so that is three things going for you right away : Not that sure about the shaved head though but some women might go for that since it makes
you look hard but this is academic as it is the inside that counts and you are sound in that department : And you are very humble too and unsure of who you are which is mega bonus points as regards the opposite sex : So you will get there with
all that going for you : No problem : You are therefore not an arsehole : Far from it

Now on to me : There is a difference between deliberating rejecting love and realising that one is never going to attain it And it is the latter which applies to me : I am forty nine so am more than half way through my life and know what does and does not work for me : I do not do people because I am off the scale : I have strange opinions on life which would not endear me to others such as not believing in the absolute right of the human race to exist : I also have a mental disorder and allergy to an invasion of personal space : I do not work and am not educated or have a trade : So no woman in her right mind would
have anything to do with me : I am not complaining here : I am more than happy to be as I am : But I have no redeemable selling points that would attract me to the opposite sex : And rather than waste time on that I find things which I can do instead : I read and dance and write and study : Now I may not be any good at these but at least they fill my days and
give me structure to my life and long as I have that then I am content
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Re: An Alternate View

#12  Postby jamest » May 10, 2013 9:17 am

Okay, I misread you. My apologies.
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Re: An Alternate View

#13  Postby Scot Dutchy » May 10, 2013 4:45 pm

I was married and divorced. No problem and happy it happend.
I met a girl shortly afterwards and we started a relationship. This was 1986. It was not a smooth one but one I would have done without. The only problem she developed breast cancer and after a five year fight she died. I was devastated. After a nervious breakdown I managed to get sorted out thanks to my therapist and the work group I attended. I was 54 by then. I thought I could live as a bachelor but that proved not to be the case. One night stands and weekend dates did not work.

I went onto the internet and joined one of the better dating sites and I met my present wife who came from Ireland. We have a good life and I could not live without her. I dont dread her death but I do enjoy her life.
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Re: An Alternate View

#14  Postby Animavore » May 10, 2013 4:50 pm

@ surreptitious57

That's the nicest thing anyone's ever said about me :cry:
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Re: An Alternate View

#15  Postby naffat » May 10, 2013 4:55 pm

jamest wrote:Those who abstain from loving to save grieving are choosing to live life in the shadow of death, where there is no lasting joy. Why would anyone abstain from finding a lasting joy in their all too-short lives?


Mania >>> love

In fact I'm feeling it right now and though I will soon put an end to it pharmaceutically I am not surprised that people get addicted to things like meth. Ahahahaha...
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