I would like some critiques and advice

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I would like some critiques and advice

#1  Postby Mac_Guffin » Dec 19, 2011 6:56 pm

I wrote this poem... I'm not usually good with writing them and am better off with prose because I'm not bound by structure, but this one just kind of came out of me. I'd like to know what's wrong with it and what I can do to improve it...


"Angela"

She's scarred, broken, black
She wants her body back
She doesn't think she can ever trust
That distant night
That unbound lust
There is no thing
That I can do
To make her know
Except for wait
I think she knows
Deep down inside
In a special place
Where I reside
Angela
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Re: I would like some critiques and advice

#2  Postby cavarka9 » Dec 19, 2011 7:12 pm

try to make it rhyme more, and make Angela seem a bit more like angel otherwise, the title does not suit
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Re: I would like some critiques and advice

#3  Postby Mac_Guffin » Dec 19, 2011 7:48 pm

Well, it's about a girl named Angela... and I suck at the rhyming part.
I didn't think you needed to rhyme everything in a poem. I thought it was more about flow.
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Re: I would like some critiques and advice

#4  Postby Nostalgia » Dec 19, 2011 8:11 pm

Rhyming is obviously not necessary in a poem. But as someone who refers to prose as prose you'll know that already Mac.

I like it, but I'm not an expert on reading or writing poetry. I really like the rhythm, in the first two thirds it is solid, but it kinds flakes out towards the end... around the like "except for wait". But then I like the last two or three lines.
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Re: I would like some critiques and advice

#5  Postby Rilx » Dec 19, 2011 9:40 pm

It's not rhyming itself but the emotional content it brings forth.

I see the first five lines as the first verse (really very good!) and expect a break after them, maybe an empty line? "Except" sounds too hard or formal in the middle of your unsure but hopeful musings in the last part. Something like "But for wait" would retain the tone better.

I think that splitting the poem into two verses may help you to think the last part more as an emotional whole. :think:
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Re: I would like some critiques and advice

#6  Postby Mac_Guffin » Dec 20, 2011 12:21 am

That's really helpful Rilx and Mac. :)
Again, this is only my second poem I've taken seriously, so it's not going to be that good.

Yeah, I could feel myself getting weak at the end. I think I was becoming unsure at one part where I was going to mention the word love, and I thought I might show her this poem, and we're still early in the relationship (only 2 months... been friends since last April), so I didn't want to write that... maybe I can write it, just unbound and not show her until I feel like it's the right time.
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