Hello Everyone!

This probably won't get any response, but I thought there might be others out there who have faced the same problems I am encountering.

So let's go back... I was raised Evangelical Christian, Spirit-filled, Word of Faith, the works. I was taught that anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus will burn for eternity in hell. That being said, I have rejected the beliefs I was raised with for science and reason. I no longer believe in the existence of any god. When I went off the college, my parents were paying for my college, so as a condition I had to find a church in my town, get involved, and attend regularly. I am no longer in college and my parents can no longer use tuition to get me to do what they would like. However, I feel bad for the people at the church I started attending and help them out way too much, like twice a week. (I know it is wrong for me to continue to help in the church under false pretenses, but I am trying to figure that out too. If you can't tell I don't like conflict.) My biggest question is how can I tell my parents I am an atheist? Doing this would destroy them. They would honestly believe I was going to hell and I hate the thought of them thinking that, because I love them. However, I don't plan on marrying a Christian or raising children in the Christian faith and have now limited my relationships and hindered any lasting relationships because I can't lie to my parents about something else.

The bottom line is, how can I tell my parents I am an atheist, without destroying them, so that I can live my life the way I feel is best for me and not have to bring others into this terrible spiral of lies I have gotten myself in.

Any feedback will help.

Thanks so much!
Stephanie

Hello, welcome to RatSkep

I can't answer your question since I've not come out as an atheist to my family yet, either, but someone here should be able to give you some advice.

I'm sure you'll get an answer soon. Many here have similar backgrounds.

I'm reading this book at the moment which might help.





This guy was a preacher who had to come out to his wife, family and congregation.

Animavore wrote:This guy was a preacher who had to come out to his wife, family and congregation.

I see he has a website/blog which has a section and links for those who are 'leaving the fold'.

http://debunkingchristianity.blogspot.c ... -fold.html

That might be helpful to you, Aneekae. And welcome to this particular fold!

This sort of thing has me wondering - how many of the congregation are there because they think everyone else believes & they don't know how to 'come out' as a non-believer to their family & friends. I can imagine a church filled with atheists, convinced everyone else is a Christian & they're the odd one out.

Doubtdispelled wrote:

Animavore wrote:This guy was a preacher who had to come out to his wife, family and congregation.

I see he has a website/blog which has a section and links for those who are 'leaving the fold'.

http://debunkingchristianity.blogspot.c ... -fold.html

That might be helpful to you, Aneekae. And welcome to this particular fold!

The book is highly recommended. Loftus was a student of none other than William Lane Craig and argues against the Christian perspective from the Christian perspective.

Ammo for atheists everywhere.

chairman bill wrote:This sort of thing has me wondering - how many of the congregation are there because they think everyone else believes & they don't know how to 'come out' as a non-believer to their family & friends. I can imagine a church filled with atheists, convinced everyone else is a Christian & they're the odd one out.

I've always suspected the rapid decline in Catholicism in Ireland in the past 25 years was as much to do with a predisposition towards non-belief as it was to do with the abuse scandals which I see as more of a catalyst.

Welcome to the forum Aneekae0408.

I'd second (third?) the Loftus recommendation. This guy has been in your position.

Can I ask what the things you "help out" with at your church are? Services? Community projects?

I would also assume that your family at least professes to value honesty. Perhaps - keep in mind that I have never been in your shoes - that might be a good starting point. Start from the fact that you don't think God exists, and you are not going to insult the way you were raised by lying to them about what you think. But also think this through and apply your own knowledge. No one here, however well-meaning, knows your family; you do.

Best of luck.

Animavore wrote:

Doubtdispelled wrote:

Animavore wrote:This guy was a preacher who had to come out to his wife, family and congregation.

I see he has a website/blog which has a section and links for those who are 'leaving the fold'.

http://debunkingchristianity.blogspot.c ... -fold.html

That might be helpful to you, Aneekae. And welcome to this particular fold!

The book is highly recommended. Loftus was a student of none other than William Lane Craig and argues against the Christian perspective from the Christian perspective.

Ammo for atheists everywhere.

Yes, I've just read some of his articles online and he certainly writes well thought out, lucid stuff.

chairman bill wrote:This sort of thing has me wondering - how many of the congregation are there because they think everyone else believes & they don't know how to 'come out' as a non-believer to their family & friends. I can imagine a church filled with atheists, convinced everyone else is a Christian & they're the odd one out.

I'm pretty sure this happens to quite a large extent every time there is a service at the church behind us, Bill. There's also a big element of wanting to be seen as part of the 'in-crowd', which around here means the people with money. While it's not exclusively the less well off who stay away from the church, it's interesting that the ones who live in the biggest poshest houses make up the majority of the congregation, and they are for the most part the ones who want to be seen to be doing things related to the church, like raising money. From everyone else. That's a thought that hadn't struck me before.

I am from a similar background - Pentecostal. But the reality of my extended family is that there is a huge variety of viewpoints, there must be others with different viewpoints amongst uncles aunts cousins.

I think members of Council of ex muslims in a similar situation would say it is probably better to keep silent about your views or maybe do a diversionary sin, like moving in with a boy/girl friend.

It really depends what group you are in - if it is Plymouth Brethren you will be cut off for example.

Sorry, just realised you are in US. Where you are is critically important - Jesusland or not. Have you heard of Marlene Winnell?

The bottom line is, how can I tell my parents I am an atheist, without destroying them, so that I can live my life the way I feel is best for me and not have to bring others into this terrible spiral of lies I have gotten myself in.

I just bailed on the whole community....never slept a night at home after university and just ignored any attempts to rope me back into the nonsense.

I'm not convinced confronting it with fundies does anyone any good.

If working with the local kirk community makes you feel good....by all means continue....it's your choice and if social pressure gets annoying just skip out.

You'll find "freedom from religion" a laudable state and you really have to make your own environment.
It even annoys me here that the fundies often get a soap box but that's an ongoing battle.

Get on with your life and put the past behind.. it was your parents choice to fund your education - there is no duty to them to maintain their fundie world - it's your life, once around...enjoy it...lose the guilt

Bookmarking for later comment.

RS

I've just done it and it is hard. Our backgrounds are somewhat similar, 'cept you're smart enough to go to college. Not very good with conflict either. My family is largish; there are six kids and I was one of the more fanatical about Christianity, holiness and theological correctness. The community we grew up in was, well, my brother describes it as an ingrown toenail. I was terrified they would 'excommunicate me' from our family as 2 Thessalonians 3:6,14-15 says to.

I mostly used the term "I'm not a believer any more" rather than atheist (People have this funny belief atheists are insulting, argumentative, hard hearted people. I had several conversations 'worked out' to discuss but none went the way I expected and I had to keep pulling back from being insulting.*) to prevent feeling of rejecting them. For me, it was emphasizing the central theme of Christianity what I was rejecting rather than rebelling against their teachings.** That said, I'm 35. The effect on my Christian wife was bemoaned regularly. What I did do fairly well, is reiterate I loved them and wanted to be honest with them. We're still uncomfortable in conversation and they keep small pokes just to witness I guess. But they are even far more accepting than I hoped. It will probably be the same for you as parents tend to love their kids more than their faith, despite all experiences and constant platitudes. The key as Nicko hinted is to emphasize your desire to be honest with them because you love them.

Personally haven't got into a 'deep' theological debate with my parents yet. But my sister had a very premature baby not long after, and my mother sent a sms with affirmations about how 'greater than human intervention' was at work in the hospital 'against the best medical predictions' with 'miracles the God of our faith was doing. It was hard because such times it is easy to say things that get blown out of proportion. That story was more to say that it will be hard but you can survive it well.

As for working with the church community, I steadily withdrew my attendance from official church groups and eventually only attended social group activities that were organised by underlings --- movies, bowling or dinners etc.

I'm happy to talk with you, but Skinny Puppy has similar experiences and background and can be quite eloquent. Does anyone know if he has been around? Willhud has also been through similar situations however, he was from a more liberal background I believe. But there are quite a lot of us from the fanatical Pentecostal backgrounds so don't feel you are alone and no one cares. Ah, forgot about theropod & Clive.

* My father (a strident Biblical Literalist) kept on about muslims and the koran, (:dunno:) to which I kept telling him there was no difference between the Bible and the Koran. Mum kept asking me what I *did* believe in. She wasn't satisfied with my response

** It is a bit of a silly nuance. But people are less aggressive responding when I am "not a believer" as opposed to an atheist.

Good luck!

chairman bill wrote:
This sort of thing has me wondering - how many of the congregation are there because they think everyone else believes & they don't know how to 'come out' as a non-believer to their family & friends. I can imagine a church filled with atheists, convinced everyone else is a Christian & they're the odd one out.

can you image what it must be like in a Norwegian kirk where only 1% attend regularly ..Progress

aneekae0408 wrote:Hello Everyone!

This probably won't get any response, but I thought there might be others out there who have faced the same problems I am encountering.

So let's go back... I was raised Evangelical Christian, Spirit-filled, Word of Faith, the works. I was taught that anyone who doesn't believe in Jesus will burn for eternity in hell. That being said, I have rejected the beliefs I was raised with for science and reason. I no longer believe in the existence of any god. When I went off the college, my parents were paying for my college, so as a condition I had to find a church in my town, get involved, and attend regularly. I am no longer in college and my parents can no longer use tuition to get me to do what they would like. However, I feel bad for the people at the church I started attending and help them out way too much, like twice a week. (I know it is wrong for me to continue to help in the church under false pretenses, but I am trying to figure that out too. If you can't tell I don't like conflict.) My biggest question is how can I tell my parents I am an atheist? Doing this would destroy them. They would honestly believe I was going to hell and I hate the thought of them thinking that, because I love them. However, I don't plan on marrying a Christian or raising children in the Christian faith and have now limited my relationships and hindered any lasting relationships because I can't lie to my parents about something else.

The bottom line is, how can I tell my parents I am an atheist, without destroying them, so that I can live my life the way I feel is best for me and not have to bring others into this terrible spiral of lies I have gotten myself in.

Any feedback will help.

Thanks so much!
Stephanie

Don't use the term "atheist." Just gently explain to them that you have doubts about the faith and explain why you have these doubts. Give a good, reasoned presentation, and be prepared to answer their questions. Don't make them feel like they have done something to cause you to lose your faith. You need to give it to them gently at first and then slowly but firmly reiterate your skepticism when they bring it up again. Use words like doubt and skepticism, and possibly agnostic, not atheism, because your parents have been brainwashed into believing that atheism is the worst thing ever. Don't be angry at them for not being critical thinkers like yourself, religion is the most pervasive mind control game ever invented, and most people cannot even perceive of a reason to reject it.

Welcome!

First of all, I am an atheist and second of all I have a Christian family and close friend circle. I was an assoc. pastor for a Southern Baptist church and eventually left that.

It's not easy telling people you don't believe in a religion predominantly assumed to be the religion of everyone. I have yet to get around to telling my family, because I still live with them; however, the best thing is not force the subject. If you are at a gathering and your parents ask if you go to church just be honest then, but do not randomly call parents and say, "I am an atheist and that's that."

Perhaps one of the most simple solutions is post famous quotes by atheists on social networking your friends and family can see. For example, I have posted several quotes from great thinkers and scientists that all had an atheistic theme to them. Just be careful because some friends tend to be belligerent on facebook.

As well, do not feel that you don't have to go to church and do stuff with church. I still hang out at the church down the road from me as I enjoy the company of friends and my church does a lot of outreach to the community which I love doing, any chance to help out the poor or even members at the church whom may be sick is well worth it in my book). There is nothing wrong with going to church. Just don't force it upon yourself. Do not feel obligated to go, but go because you want to.

As for parents, they can be stubborn, but they would still love you no matter what. Sure they may try to convert you, but you'd have to be ready for that. The best solution for parents is wait until the topic comes up and ease them into it. If they ask you what you believe tell them in a loving, non-confrontational manner. If they get confrontational about it, stop the conversation and if possible leave until they cool down.

Best of luck and well wishes and welcome to the forum!!

The one piece of advice that seems to be lacking here is the fact that you don't have to tell them.

If you think that it will cause undue problems, especially with your family, you are under no obligation to "come out". And, depending on where you are located, there may be some very detrimental affects to coming out as an atheist (loss of home, job, etc.).

I said that MrFungus ;p