How to get people to respect you

Spearthrower · **#21** by **Spearthrower** » Jan 12, 2012 3:24 pm

cavarka9 wrote:
Spearthrower wrote:
inkaStepa wrote:I'm a 5 ft 110 lb hispanic female. I'm just a student but I do make an effort to look professional. But, people still don't seem to take me seriously. I always find myself being talked down to or lectured. So my question is what makes people respect other people? Is it power and societal positions? What can I do to make myself seem more solid? Thanks.

As soon as you stop worrying about people respecting you, you'll probably find that they start. Being concerned with such petty things means you're probably signalling that you're needy.

I completely disagree, sometimes people get caught up with the wrong sort of crowd for various reasons, you might get caught up by people who initially seem to be sweet but you later discover their mean side.

Well, I have to admit that my response is from prior conversation with InkaStepa - namely here.

Spearthrower · **#22** by **Spearthrower** » Jan 12, 2012 3:28 pm

JoeB wrote:
The_Metatron wrote:
JoeB wrote:
les5f wrote:You do not get respect just for existing you have to earn it.

I disagree. In my opinion respect (and being treated respectfully) is something you should get by default, not something to be earned (in whatever way that might happen?).
It just seems weird to me that it's somehow ok not to treat someone respectfully, we're all humans after all.

A curious outlook.

In another life, while I was active duty military, I was compelled to respect the rank of my superior officers. Whether I respected the man wearing that rank was entirely dependent on the man. It was not automatic.

Well when someone's being a prick I wouldn't really find him/her particularly worthy of respect, so it can drop.

I think there's a common ground here folks.

There's a basic level of respect you grant all humans. You don't just walk through them. You don't shut doors in their faces. You don't push to the front of the queue etc. To not show that type of respect automatically, by default is to be a sociopath.

But deeper respect is earned. You don't have to like someone to respect them. Business is a perfect environment for encountering people you will grow to respect even while not wishing to spend any amount of personal time with them. They earn respect by being fair, honest, responsible, outspoken, gentle, considerate etc on a routine basis - you know that it is a core principle they hold.

Joe09 · **#23** by **Joe09** » Jan 12, 2012 3:34 pm

Spearthrower wrote:
JoeB wrote:
The_Metatron wrote:
JoeB wrote:
I disagree. In my opinion respect (and being treated respectfully) is something you should get by default, not something to be earned (in whatever way that might happen?).
It just seems weird to me that it's somehow ok not to treat someone respectfully, we're all humans after all.

A curious outlook.

In another life, while I was active duty military, I was compelled to respect the rank of my superior officers. Whether I respected the man wearing that rank was entirely dependent on the man. It was not automatic.

Well when someone's being a prick I wouldn't really find him/her particularly worthy of respect, so it can drop.

I think there's a common ground here folks.

There's a basic level of respect you grant all humans. You don't just walk through them. You don't shut doors in their faces. You don't push to the front of the queue etc. To not show that type of respect automatically, by default is to be a sociopath.

But deeper respect is earned. You don't have to like someone to respect them. Business is a perfect environment for encountering people you will grow to respect even while not wishing to spend any amount of personal time with them. They earn respect by being fair, honest, responsible, outspoken, gentle, considerate etc on a routine basis - you know that it is a core principle they hold.

Weaver · **#24** by **Weaver** » Jan 12, 2012 3:42 pm

JoeB wrote:
les5f wrote:You do not get respect just for existing you have to earn it.

I disagree. In my opinion respect (and being treated respectfully) is something you should get by default, not something to be earned (in whatever way that might happen?).
It just seems weird to me that it's somehow ok not to treat someone respectfully, we're all humans after all.

I think some may be conflating politeness with respect.

I try to be polite to everyone - even with people I do not respect at all. This should be the default position.

I only respect people who have earned it through their expressed thoughts or actions.

HughMcB · **#25** by **HughMcB** » Jan 12, 2012 3:48 pm

Respect yourself, respect others who you feel deserve it, the reciprocation will follow.

HughMcB · **#26** by **HughMcB** » Jan 12, 2012 3:49 pm

Weaver wrote:I try to be polite to everyone - even with people I do not respect at all. This should be the default position.

Sometimes I'm even more polite to those I respect less.

JoeB · **#27** by **JoeB** » Jan 12, 2012 3:56 pm

Weaver wrote:
JoeB wrote:
les5f wrote:You do not get respect just for existing you have to earn it.

I disagree. In my opinion respect (and being treated respectfully) is something you should get by default, not something to be earned (in whatever way that might happen?).
It just seems weird to me that it's somehow ok not to treat someone respectfully, we're all humans after all.

I think some may be conflating politeness with respect.

I try to be polite to everyone - even with people I do not respect at all. This should be the default position.

I only respect people who have earned it through their expressed thoughts or actions.

You might be right. Perhaps it was lost in translation a bit (Dutch uses the word respect too, but it might be slightly different in meaning).

Weaver · **#28** by **Weaver** » Jan 12, 2012 3:58 pm

It may be more of how the word is currently used - in popular culture, respect is frequently used as a synonym for politeness.

pelfdaddy · **#29** by **pelfdaddy** » Jan 12, 2012 4:07 pm

Dear inkaStepa,

Much has been said here that is of value, and it seems the older the commentor, the better the advice. But the conversation drifts easily into areas of generality, a discussion of how people ought to treat one another. You are very young and looking for some useful pointers. Here are two...

Spearthrower is absolutely right to warn of the signals you may be sending. People will never take seriously those who appear to want respect.

Also, as a hispanic female, people will expect you to be especially chatty. You should reverse this expectation. Don't demand attention. Stay aloof from the conversation and compose your thoughts. Then when everyone has talked themselves out, speak sparingly with economy and weight. You will often find yourself getting the last word. People will even behave as if the discussion is not officially over until you have had your say.

Spearthrower · **#30** by **Spearthrower** » Jan 12, 2012 4:24 pm

Weaver wrote:It may be more of how the word is currently used - in popular culture, respect is frequently used as a synonym for politeness.

I think it's more than just pop culture because I think the notion of politeness is rooted in basic respect. Why do we behave politely? Why behave politely to people you don't know, and you will never meet again? It's not for your own good - you get no 'recompense' for it. It's because politeness is a form of the golden rule, to behave towards other as you would have them behave to you. To get to that position, you must lend everyone - regardless of your acquaintance with them - a certain degree of inherent value - a basic value equivalent of you. You aren't polite to other animals, plants, inanimate objects because you do not imbue them with that unit of inherent value, that inherent value is what I am calling 'basic respect'.

Just to give you an example here. Imagine you were walking through a door and someone was coming up behind you, so you held the door open for them to pass through. Imagine that person walked through without so much as glancing at you - let alone smiling, nodding, saying thank you - just waltzed past as if you weren't even there. Was that 'rude' of them? Why? It's not really rude because they didn't ask you to open the door, you did it of your own volition. They can't be obliged to 'pay' you for something they never asked for. The reason why you feel unhappy that the person ignored you is because they're not paying you basic respect, acknowledging you as a human.

Deeper respect is through familiarity, through seeing a person being steadfast in a characteristic you place value in. Some might value a guy's willingness to laugh in the face of danger and to fight even when the odds are against. Some might value a constant regard for the other person, a willingness to humble themselves to bolster the other. This is a respect that's earned by steadfastness of character.

That's my take on it, anyway - I see politeness as coming after the basic level of respect you intrinsically lend to all other human actors.

trubble76 · **#31** by **trubble76** » Jan 12, 2012 4:29 pm

pelfdaddy wrote:
Also, as a hispanic female, people will expect you to be especially chatty. .

I don't get this, is it a common stereotype of hispanic women? It seems a little silly to me, but then I've only ever met a handful of (non-chatty) hispanic women.

DougC · **#32** by **DougC** » Jan 12, 2012 5:15 pm

The world is full of assholes, and at 5ft your going to come closer to a lot of them.

MoonLit · **#33** by **MoonLit** » Jan 12, 2012 10:09 pm

xtraordinaryevidence wrote:
MoonLit wrote:Perhaps being passive aggressive towards them is another option; however it will seriously rub them the wrong way and can cause them to seek you out to also indirectly insult you. But for some, this is rather fun (I only do it to those I hate).

I agree with the rest of your post, but is this the best advice? Between passive-aggressive or straight forward, you should always go with straight forward, especially if you're trying to earn respect. I don't think inka will be taken seriously if she employs mind games.

Only doing it to those you hate reminds me of profiles of people who say "I'm a really nice person, until you get on my bad side. Then I turn into a bitch/prick". My first impression of people that say this is that it's just used as an excuse.

*I don't have that opinion of you by the way. I've read other posts of yours (so have more than a first impression) and I'm sure you don't mean it like that*

That's why I stated that it was just another option. :cheers:

Some people have a much easier time dealing with others by being passive aggressive. :grin:

JoeB wrote:
les5f wrote:You do not get respect just for existing you have to earn it.

I disagree. In my opinion respect (and being treated respectfully) is something you should get by default, not something to be earned (in whatever way that might happen?).
It just seems weird to me that it's somehow ok not to treat someone respectfully, we're all humans after all.

I strongly disagree. You don't have to respect someone to be polite towards them. I think that more often than naught people confuse the word "respect" and use it in a manner when they really ought to be using the word "polite".

But that might just be my bias talking. I was in a situation where the word "respect" got thrown around so fucking much it lost any meaning.

laklak · **#34** by **laklak** » Jan 13, 2012 1:14 am

Bite the head off a live chicken in front of them. That generally works for me.

xtraordinaryevidence · **#35** by **xtraordinaryevidence** » Jan 13, 2012 5:08 am

Spearthrower wrote:
Weaver wrote:It may be more of how the word is currently used - in popular culture, respect is frequently used as a synonym for politeness.

I think it's more than just pop culture because I think the notion of politeness is rooted in basic respect. Why do we behave politely? Why behave politely to people you don't know, and you will never meet again? It's not for your own good - you get no 'recompense' for it. It's because politeness is a form of the golden rule, to behave towards other as you would have them behave to you. To get to that position, you must lend everyone - regardless of your acquaintance with them - a certain degree of inherent value - a basic value equivalent of you. You aren't polite to other animals, plants, inanimate objects because you do not imbue them with that unit of inherent value, that inherent value is what I am calling 'basic respect'.

Just to give you an example here. Imagine you were walking through a door and someone was coming up behind you, so you held the door open for them to pass through. Imagine that person walked through without so much as glancing at you - let alone smiling, nodding, saying thank you - just waltzed past as if you weren't even there. Was that 'rude' of them? Why? It's not really rude because they didn't ask you to open the door, you did it of your own volition. They can't be obliged to 'pay' you for something they never asked for. The reason why you feel unhappy that the person ignored you is because they're not paying you basic respect, acknowledging you as a human.

Deeper respect is through familiarity, through seeing a person being steadfast in a characteristic you place value in. Some might value a guy's willingness to laugh in the face of danger and to fight even when the odds are against. Some might value a constant regard for the other person, a willingness to humble themselves to bolster the other. This is a respect that's earned by steadfastness of character.

That's my take on it, anyway - I see politeness as coming after the basic level of respect you intrinsically lend to all other human actors.

What I would have said if I knew how to say it. :thumbup:

xtraordinaryevidence · **#36** by **xtraordinaryevidence** » Jan 13, 2012 5:16 am

MoonLit wrote:That's why I stated that it was just another option. Some people have a much easier time dealing with others by being passive aggressive.

It's definitely easier to not be 'nice'. Personally, all the social niceties and expectations take their toll, and sometimes it just can't be done! :grin:

CdesignProponentsist · **#37** by **CdesignProponentsist** » Jan 13, 2012 5:21 am

cavarka9 wrote:
inkaStepa wrote:I'm a 5 ft 110 lb hispanic female. I'm just a student but I do make an effort to look professional. But, people still don't seem to take me seriously. I always find myself being talked down to or lectured. So my question is what makes people respect other people? Is it power and societal positions? What can I do to make myself seem more solid? Thanks.

leave them, ditch them. Independence is where respect comes from, respect your self and dont let anyone take you granted.

Stand for yourself(easiest way is to politely but firmly move away)., they might not like it at first or they have gotten so used to treating you in a manner that they have forgotten to respect you in a formal way.

You will never gain respect if you are trying to gain respect. Just be confident with yourself and the respect will eventually follow.

JoeB · **#38** by **JoeB** » Jan 13, 2012 9:09 am

MoonLit wrote:[...]
But that might just be my bias talking. I was in a situation where the word "respect" got thrown around so fucking much it lost any meaning.

It's something I do notice nowadays, when there's American shows on discovery channel (i dunno, swamp loggers or whatever) the word respect flies around a lot. For example: "stop disrespecting me man!", "You need to show some respect!", etc. etc. Of course these are also show which revolve more around broad-necked men fighting rather than what the show's title states what it's about.
In our culture the word respect is hardly ever used and when it's used it's mostly like "We should be respectful to the elderly", or such.

[edit] Could it be that conservatives (or authoritarians) place more emphasise on the importance of respect than liberals? After all, over here in the Netherlands respect for authority (for example) is somewhat 'mehh-ish', while in the USA it seems far more prominent.

xtraordinaryevidence · **#39** by **xtraordinaryevidence** » Jan 13, 2012 11:13 am

JoeB wrote:In our culture the word respect is hardly ever used and when it's used it's mostly like "We should be respectful to the elderly", or such.

A lot of people seem to think this is self-evident, and they add an 'always' in there. I mean sure, I'm more likely to have the default respect that some of us here agree with for older generations, since the chances are they have more wisdom and good experience to impart. But if they do something I find horrible, I won't continue respecting them just because they're elderly. After all, there's only a correlation between age and wisdom, not causation.

Or do most people really mean "We should be polite to the elderly"? :think:

JoeB wrote:Could it be that conservatives (or authoritarians) place more emphasise on the importance of respect than liberals?

I think it's more a difference in views of respect. Conservatives could be more likely to think "He's done something I don't agree with, but he's in a position of authority and I respect him, so I'll let it slide". While liberals could be more likely to think "Although he's in a position of authority, that doesn't affect whether I respect him or not, so he's now lost my respect because of what he did". Or something.

johnbrandt · **#40** by **johnbrandt** » Jan 13, 2012 2:26 pm

Welcome to the real world.

"Respect isn't given to you for free, it's earned"...and while that's one of the oldest cliches in the book, it's absolutely true. Too many people think they should just automatically "be respected" when they walk in the door.

I love that thing a lot of people say "You need to give me respect!"...really. Why? What have you done to deserve it?

It doesn't matter if you are female, hispanic, whatever...you have to earn respect...no one gives it to you automatically, despite what some social engineers would have people believe. You say you are still a student...so I would assume you are still pretty new at this place where you want to be respected. Simple old "Time" is the best way to get respect...combined with your attitude and the persona that people around you see, also adding decisions you make at work, school, where ever, that give people an impression of what you are like as a person.

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