I've just had what's possibly the wackiest dream for a long time, and given my propensity to dream weird stuff I've mentioned in the past, you're all in for a treat as I tell you about
this one.
I was taking part in a sort of real life version of one of those silly Internet car games, where you set out to blow the crap out of the opposition with various weapons bolted to your car, while of course the opposition is setting out to do the same to you (and everyone else). Except we were all doing this in real cars. Though the entire playing field was a sort of surreal, cartoon version of the Arizona Badlands, complete with striated mountains and giant cacti. Moreover, the weapons some of the others were using were straight out of
Dastardy & Muttley In Their Incredible Flying Machines.
One of the opponents was driving a 1959 Desoto in Barbie pink, with a giant version of a mediaeval spiked ball and chain whirring about on the roof like a perverted rotor blade, which of course would render any real car totally undriveable, and confer upon it the handling characteristics of an Asda shopping trolley with bent wheels. For those who've never seen a 1959 Desoto, this was one of those gigantic contraptions the Americans loved so much in the past, 18 feet long, with a gas guzzling engine that delivered about three miles to the gallon (remember, it was built in the days when petrol was about five cents per gallon), and was adorned with possibly the most extreme incarnation of those "rocket fins", that were so much of a fetish amongst late 1950s American car designers, you could possibly wish for. The actual real car had "rocket fins" big enough to make the car a hazard to drive in a crosswind, or, more correctly, would be a hazard in a crosswind if it didn't weight about three tons.
Another opponent was driving a silver PT Cruiser, with, wait for it, a sodding huge hammer on the roof, which came down and slammed into the ground in front of the car as it went along. You can imagine that such a contraption would probably make this beast totally undriveable as well, and probably inflict more damage on the car itself than the opposition, as the suspension loads entered the sort of wild extremes normally associated with the landing gear of an Airbus A380. But again, for some bizarre reason, this seemed to make sense in the silly cartoon world this all took place in, where we were all inflciting gratuitous cartoon violence upon each other of the sort seen in
Tom & Jerry, where, for example, Jerry gets stuck in a keyhole, and Tom smacks him with a tennis racket, propelling him through the keyhole so that he ends up the same shape.
Meanwhile, I adopted to drive, wait for it, a Volvo. Out of all the cars I could have picked, given that this was my fantasy dream, I picked a bloody Volvo. I could have treated myself to a Lamborghini Aventador if I'd had any sense, though whether this would have been an optimum choice for a cartoon demolition derby remains to be seen. There was actually some method to my madness - I apparently reasoned that since Volvos were built to withstand lots of punishment in a crash, a Volvo would make a good choice of battle car. In addition, the choice I made has something to do with the history of gaming, as I shall now explain.
Wind the clock back to around the late 1990s, when the first incarnation of the Sony Playstation was wowing everyone with its abilities, one of the games for this console was based on the British Touring Car racing series, in which massively souped up versions of regular road cars blitzed around various race courses, and all sorts of hilarious antics ensued during overtaking. Anyone who remembers Keith Chegwin's attempt to become a Touring Car driver will know
exactly what I mean.
But I digress. In this game, you had a choice of cars, one of which was a somewhat boxy Volvo that, in the game, had the best acceleration and fastest straight line speed, but whose cornering left a
lot to be desired, so that if you punted it into a corner too enthusiastically, you ended up pirouetting off the circuit in a most embarrassing manner, as everyone else sailed around the corners wetting themselves laughing at you. At the other end of the scale, was an Audi Quattro whose straight line speed was about the same as an arthritic snail on Tomazepam, but which went round corners like it was on rails, so if you were driving this, you simply waited for everyone else to brake for a corner, then slotted between them and took hairpins at impossible speeds while everyone else was piddling around finding the right gear to catch up on the subsequent straight. Each car had its own driving technique, and you had to spend time mastering its quirks to get the best out of it, so that the way to corner in the Volvo was to drift the car into the corner and then boot the throttle on the exit, after some manic steering wheel antics.
So, I chose, in my dream, to pick the exact same model of Volvo used in the Touring Car racing game, and then equip it with a silly pair of circular saw blades on the sides, thinking that no one would be able to get close enough side on to do any real damage once these were fitted. I also decided to replace the somewhat modest firepower of the machine guns next to the headlights, with a nifty set of laser cannons for maximum invincibility.
The mayhem you're all imagining right now duly ensued in the dream, and I managed to overcome the opposition, only to drive on top of a left over land mine deposited by one of the other contestants, which duly went off, and resulted in my pride and joy collapsing around me like Del Boy's Reliant Robin in an episode of
Only Fools And Horses.
At this point, we're all standing around, surveying the scene, wondering how this contest is going to be scored, when along comes a new and unannounced competitor out of the blue, who looked like Bluto from the
Popeye cartoons, driving a Peugeot 205 GTI in shiny blue, equipped with a pair of missile launchers and heavy machine guns, who obviously thought to himself that he'd have an easy victory just running over us all. At this point, for some bizarre reason, he slowed his car to a walking pace, presumably sizing up the best path to inflict maximum destruction in a single pass, whereupon I run up to the side of his car and tip it over onto its roof. While he's sitting there, strapped into his now upside down seat, wondering how the hell he got into this mess, I'm kicking the crap out of his car with my titanium toe-capped boots, and with half a dozen well aimed kicks, turn his shiny new car into a knackered old shed. Then, at this point, I have a bright idea, and pull out from under my jacket a stick of dynamite. I duly light the stick of dynamite, open the filler cap, pop the dynamite down the petrol pipe, and run like the clappers. At the end, I turn round, to watch Bluto's car being duly blown up, wheels flying in opposite directions, and most hilariously of all, Bluto, still strapped into his seat, flying through the air with his butt cheeks on fire.
Apparently, at this point, I started laughing so hard for real in my sleep, that I woke myself up, and found myself a helpless, gibbering wreck in the bed, spending ten minutes in peals of laughter, tears streaming down my face, as I recounted Bluto with his burning arse doing a fine impersonation of a Roman Candle.
Needless to say, this has flushed down the toilet my plans for an early night tonight. I climbed into bed at 6pm, thinking "I'll get a good early night's sleep", only for me to wake up about 30 minutes ago in the state described above. Which means I probably won't get to sleep now till about 2 am.
I'm still wondering
what in the name of all things diseased and unholy made me dream
this.