Raliegh Marsden wrote:Some of you are getting confused. You somehow think that I believe in allowing kids to be abused. I don't. What I do believe however is that there's a difference between what you might call every day treatment, ie a good spanking here and there, a clip round the ear 'ole as we say in the UK, and a bit of shouting, and maybe the occasial shake.....and serious stuff like constant beatings and aggressive nastiness and so on. Do I believe that it's ok to spank kids from time to time if nec? Absolutely, yes I do. No problem with that whatsoever. But I don't class that as abuse, it's just normal.
So, if you put aside the serious stuff (which does deserve intervention) and focus on the normal stuff, then "if it don't kill ya, it makes you stronger" definitely applies. And if I had kids I'd command respect. How? In every possible way that doesn't involve physical punishment...with the option of using it if it becomes necessary. And if it was necessary, I'd do it anywhere, anytime.
But, we're not just talking about that, we're talking about "if it don't kill ya, it makes you stronger" in general.
This is a truly disturbing view on child rearing
I have three daughters, aged 24, 22 and 3. As you can see I have already brought up two children and I am in the process of the third. I have some quite specific questions to ask you with regard to the statements you have made
At what age do you advocate that smacking/spanking/shaking/shouting should start?
Bearing in mind that, alot of parents will agree when I say, their naughtiest time is around 12 months old to about 30 months old. They have started walking but have no idea of appropriateness or danger. I believe it is our job to teach them appropriate behaviour and how to avoid danger. No, it's not ok to stick your finger in the plug point or climb onto the window ledge, no it's not appropriate to hit your sister or to scream for treats. Personally, the thought of striking or shaking or even shouting at, what can only be described as a baby, for this very normal behaviour is abhorrent to say the least
At what point in your disciplinary process do you decide that smacking/spanking/shaking/shouting should start?
Immediately? Why bother with the educational part of the process, it takes patience
After a set of rules has been covered, e.g. Told once, told twice, they still don't conform so "smack"? Does the small child understand the rules you have set?
Once they have really pushed your buttons and you lose patience? You are then advocating taking your frustrations out on a small child with violence
How do you go about commanding respect from children? You think smacking/spanking/shaking/shouting, even as a last resort, will earn you respect? Bollocks, there is a massive difference between fear and respect, because what I actually think you may mean by "respect" is another catchy phrase that I believe suits your purpose here, "healthy fear". We've heard people talk about how their kids had a healthy fear of them, the knowledge of that strike made them toe the line. I bent over backwards to never frighten my children, it was my job to protect them, I got respect from my kids by loving them and guiding them gently. Did they push my buttons? Absolutely, I often had to leave a room, take deep breaths and return once calm. Love and respect go hand in hand when it comes to kids, that respect is rightly lost when you use physical punishment
At what age is phsical punishment of a child inappropriate? After the toddler age I have already referred to, the most trying years for any parent are a child's teenage years. You think smacking/spanking/shaking/shouting at a 15 year old is appropriate too. Maybe you think that that "healthy fear" will have kicked in by then and you won't need to, boy are you in for a shock. And with the lesson that they have learned that violence is the way forward don't be surprised when they smack you right back
And as an aside "A clip round the ear'ole" is a serious assault, if I saw a person strike a child around the head I'd remove the child from them myself
And with regard to your other "catchy phrase", it's still bollocks, it's been demonstrated by many to be bollocks and absolutely does not apply to assaulted children
Edit to add: With regard to your use of the word "stronger". Do you mean stronger than the person would have been without the physical punishment? Or stronger than other people in general?
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Respect is earned, as someone else has pointed out, as soon as you hit your child you have failed as a parent.
You said earlier: "