Skinny Puppy wrote:

Our ongoing saga continues...

We bring you a rare exclusive. One of the Troglodian freedom fighters, known as SP, was able to slip into the regular bi-weekly meetings held between the fan boys and their idol, King BS, and record it verbatim. These bi-weekly meetings are held regularly every Friday night like clockwork. Disguising himself as a close-minded skeptic, SP blended in totally with the fan boys and went completely unnoticed. His greatest fear of being detected was the steady tick-tick-tick of his brain. As he sat there with his brain ticking rhythmically, which broke the monotony of 100s of faithful screaming “misogyny” at the top of their lungs, a fan boy looked his way. Fear struck SP’s heart! Would he be exposed and subsequently brought before the mighty ban hammer of King BS?

As luck would have it this was recruitment night and the local cat was dragging in new members. “Whatever the cat drags in is good enough for us!” hollered the membership. SP was safe; for the fan boy immediately suppressed his suspicions and went off to greet the new members, or clean the litter box, SP wasn’t sure.

SP saw his chance and rushed to the front row and slinked down into his chair hoping to escape notice. While the crowd was occupied with the membership drive SP turned on his Dictaphone, but he heard a voice speaking to him from the aether...

SP don’t be a dick-taphone user, use the force!

SP then shut the Dictaphone off and turned on his mini-recorder instead. Finally the moment had arrived. Trumpets blared; the crowd cheered and SP cut gas out of reverence for the distinguished speaker. King BS mounted the podium and stood before the mic... the crowd was anxious with anticipation, a few has pee running down their legs, O such is the reverence shown to the speaker.

“Friends” the speaker addressed the crowd.

“Today a new crisis has arisen. Cockroaches are swarming the hallowed halls of free thought. They are a nest of vermin, and left to their own devices, will spread truth throughout Fantasyland.”

The crowd of faithful rose unanimously like a tidal wave coming in from the ocean and cried out: “Proof, we don’t demand proof of this heinous accusation!”

And of course, ever faithful to their skeptical nature, they received none and were content; since their cause was self-evident and domination of Fantasyland could easily be undone by pesky things like truth and reality.

“In addition” King BS cleared his throat, “The Troglodytes threaten our very existence! They would have you believe that there are two sides to every story. We all know, in our heart-of-hearts, that our cause is, and must be, the one true cause within the skeptic community. We must remain dogmatic otherwise there is the ever-present fear and danger that we might see another side to the issues.”

At this point the crowd was uncontrollable. The bum boys cried out for blood, anyone’s blood who would dare to question anything that King BS proclaimed as truth. A brave soul tried valiantly to question such a methodology, albeit with the greatest respect, asking how the logic of using non-logic and the wisdom of using non-wisdom could possibly produce truth. The crowd immediately turned on him and dragged him before King BS.

Bum boy after bum boy spoke out against this traitor to unreason. A mob can be a scary thing to behold! Once unleashed, their mighty fury of self-righteousness can quell even the most logical of persons. Blood they demanded and blood they did received!

King BS spoke: “For the crime of telling the truth after we’ve explained to you the error of your ways...” He paused to grab his holy ban hammer and then continued: “You are now banned forever into the vast wastelands of evil Troglodians where truth, honesty and integrity will be your undoing!”

As the crowd praised their mighty king, and with many of them losing control of their bladders, SP snuck out of the room and back into the fresh air of reason. He’d learned a lesson that night, a valuable one, when one man, a king, proclaims himself to be the sole arbitrator of reason and the master of the Internet, then all must band together in opposition.

“The butt-hurt is strong in them..., “ SP mused as he walked the long road back to camp.

Episode 2 is here:
http://www.rationalskepticism.org/viewtopic.php?p=1405313#p1405313

Note: This is another episode of pure fantasy just to lighten the mood a wee bit. No references to real people, either directly or indirectly, should be read into its verses. This is a fun story and as such... it is entirely fictional.

Skinny Puppy wrote:Note: This is another episode of pure fantasy just to lighten the mood a wee bit. No references to real people, either directly or indirectly, should be read into its verses. This is a fun story and as such... it is entirely fictional.

A long time ago on a forum far away...

Episode 2: Attack of the Bum Boys

The bum war begins...

We once again revisit King BS and his young maiden, Lady Twit. A new and mortal danger now faces Fantasyland. The Troglodians have launched an invasion to rid Fantasyland of its king and would-be queen. The Troglodians, once proud and noble citizens of Fantasyland, have defied King BS and have refused to bow down and kiss his hairy derrière. A civil war is brewing... in fact it’s imminent. Never smug, never scum-like, the Troglodians have always allowed “truth” to enter their minds and to shape their decisions, however, their outright refusal to “buy bull” has caused a rift, a chasm if you will, in this fine land of ours. King BS knows that if they’re not stopped now they may well go on and begin to think for themselves, and that, on its own, would spell doom and collapse the empire!

King BS has a diabolical plan. It’s been planned in secret, nurtured through misinformation and finally hatched into a “bastard child” whom he calls Bull-Speak Junior. With junior he fools his minions, and hopes, against a mighty tide of noble Troglodians, to take over Fantasyland and set-up his own fiefdom with himself as the chief Fief!

As the two factions march towards each other on the Plains of Man, or Mansplain, we see the flags of each army flowing in the breeze. From the Troglodians we see a flag of truth, justice and fairness for all. In the background we can hear the cheering crowds of rational thinkers who refuse to “buy bull” and demand evidence before making their decisions.

On the other side of the battlefield we see King BS’s flag flying proudly at the helm of his mighty army of butt-kissers who march to his every tune. We strain our eyes to see its emblem, but can this be right? Through our glass we see the image of a retreating horse on the flag... why it’s an image of a horse’s hind end. Is it possible that King BS’s followers are a bunch of horses as...

Just then a trumpet sounds! As the battlefield heats up with both factions ready to attack at a moment’s notice, King BS raises his hand to quell the armies’ advances. His minions cry out for blood, but the King wants to make a speech, The King’s Speech. Lifting himself up onto his high horse, which offers him a good vantage point..., he addresses the crowd.

Friends, Troglodians, bum boys, lend me your ears;
I have come to impose my will and to talk in convoluted logic.
Some might say that my mighty ban hammer hath gone too far;
but it’s out of humble self-interest that I ban all evil dissenters.

Therefore I must ban all Troglodians. The noble Lady Twit
hath told me you’re all misogynists, sexists and apologists:
I know it for a fact because I have no evidence or proof of it,
and therefore come I to do my mighty ban hammer justice!

Here, with my bum boys at my side, ah... at my rear,
come I to speak non-wisdom and untruth unto all of you.
I will show you the path to enlightenment and
how to twist logic and reason to control the forums.

You were my friends once, faithful and just to me:
But you refused to kiss butt and toe my party line.
Can you then be called good and honourable men?
For the sins of a few... all must suffer my wrath.

The noble me hath told you how great I am
Does this in me, your king, seem ambitious?
I have ransacked and pillaged many a forum
Yet the scum and the smug call me to task.

I speak not to disprove what the Troglodians spoke,
But I am here to speak about what I do know.
Which at the moment, like all moments, is fuck all.
You all did love me once, not without cause:
What cause withholds you then to kiss my hairy ass?

O you fuckers! thou art like brutish beasts,
And ye have lost your reason. O bear with me;
I just farted over the golden hills of Mansplain
and I must pause till it come back to me.
‘tis back... ah the sweet smell of a morning enema.

When you hapless fuckers have cried:
I have wept, wept with tears of laughter
BS needs to be made of stern stuff.
Yet you all call me an ambitious opportunist
Well you can all go fuck yourselves...
For everything will one day, yes one day, be mine!

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